Conversations: How to initiate/terminate them.

7 Aug

Conversation: a blessing. And you never notice how awesome conversation is until it’s absent, and you’re staring at the person in front of you and wondering what to say. Awkwardness ensues! Before you know it, the situation is one big awkward clusterfuck, and you find yourself wishing you’d read a how-to to conversation before you came to this sorry state.

You, my friends, shall hopefully never encounter that situation! This is a list of strange ideas on how to start a conversation–and also, how to terminate one. I did this for laughs, so half of them are just weird–try them at your own risk and just imagine people actually doing as this list says for the entertainment value.

Initiating: a Conversation

  1. Talk about the weather, but don’t compliment it when it’s really terrible.
  2. If you’re dining, talk about how good/crap the food is. Try not to be too sudden or dramatic or you’ll most like scare the other person (e.g. “OMFGTHISFOODISCRAPOMGWTF”, or ” SQUEEETHISISFUCKINGAWESOMESQUEE”).
  3. Comment on the fact that you’re both terrible at making conversation. Bonus points if you challenge the other person to argue against you, thus starting a debate of sorts. Or argument, but whatever.
  4. Ask if they’re doing well in school/at work. Try not to sound to belittling.
  5. Ask about their health. Funny if done right.
  6. Offer a piece of information about yourself and ask them a related question. e.g. “I like soup. Do you like soup?” Hopefully this will lead to a conversation about why you like/dislike soup, etc.
  7. Talk about music you like/dislike, and ask them for their opinion.
  8. Ask them what books they’ve been reading (or rather, what movies they’ve been watching).
  9. Pretend that you’re doing a survey and bombard them with random questions.
  10. If alcohol is conveniently within distance, drink up and pretend to be drunk.
  11. Actually, just drink alcohol. Conversation will flow.
  12. Argue about gay rights.
  13. Offer your views on superheroes, e.g. “I am Batman.” Or ask them: “Are you Batman?” If they get weirded out and hurry away, kudos to you.
  14. This is probably pretty lame, but if all else fails: offer to let them listen to a new song that you like (on your MP3 or iPod or whatever). This can kill from 2 minutes to 14 minutes, trust me. I have a song 14 minutes long.

Conversation Initiation Fail

  • “Do you like porn?”
  • “I’ve already talked to you. It’s your turn to talk to me about something.”
  • “Don’t you wish you were more interesting?”
  • …etc, etc. Leave a comment to add to this too-short list.

Terminating: a Conversation (leaving a situation)

  1. “…I’m going to hurl.”
  2. Make a reference to the time, i.e. lateness, etc.
  3. Fake a stomachache.
  4. Doctor’s appointment.
  5. Gynecologist’s appointment!–only if you don’t mind the, you know, yeah.
  6. Excuse yourself and go to the toilet, and leave when they’re not looking. Alternately: escape via the window–only if on ground floor (or if you have awesome ninja-y skills).
  7. Change into a Batman suit and say that it’s urgent business.
  8. Pretend you saw your parents, panic, then exit.
  9. Pretend you saw your boss, panic, then exit.
  10. Say you have to pick up your kids.
  11. Make strangled canine sounds under the moon and flee.
  12. Fake an allergy. To…uh, idiocy, morons…anything.
  13. Pretend you left something important somewhere.
  14. Be socially acceptable for once and exit the way any sane person would. 

Conversation Termination Fail

  • Actually hurl.
  • Start the conversation by commenting about how good the food is, then decide–screw this–and blurt, “I’m going to hurl”.
  • Fake a seizure.
  • Actually pretend you’re a werewolf. And demand that they co-operate with you, damn it!
  • Jump out of a window making like Batman.

___________________________________

Quoth another blogger: “Bad attempts at comedy and commanding attention.”

Yeah, that pretty sums this up. What was I thinking? I was re-living the most awkward moment of my life (yes, it was related to conversational skills, or rather the lack thereof, genius.) and probably got distracted from blogging properly. What am I doing? What’s wrong with me?

Still, I get a kick out of imagining these situations happening in real life.

Shoo, I’m sad and have no life…leave me alone.

At least this commanded some attention (probably).

So. Any awkward moments to share? *hopeful-face*.

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2 Responses to “Conversations: How to initiate/terminate them.”

  1. Brittany August 7, 2011 at 11:52 pm #

    My go-to method is to casually insult the person and see what happens. This works best if you’re a senior in high school and the person is a freshman… good times

    • AwesomeAim August 8, 2011 at 10:45 am #

      Damn, my turn to say: are you me? This is pretty much how I know all of the people I do at school. Insult, observe, then decide. Safe and simple.

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