Sobered up, and thinking.

7 Aug

It’s at times like these when I’m glad that my family doesn’t know about my blog. Also, if you’re jumping to conclusions already, be assured that I try my damnedest not to blog too much about my personal life lest it bore you to such tiny bits you can’t put yourself together again. So take comfort in the fact that I don’t necessarily seek to bore you any more than you seek to be bored. If you don’t mind reading another incoherent, messy and generally weird blog post that’s been written with half-closed eyes, continue. If you do mind, read some other post.

So here I am, and I’m thinking about what the hell I’m trying to do and how the hell I function the way I do. I’m just an average girl with an extra pinch of aggressiveness, stubbornness and bluntness–not to mention way too much ego. Despite my manliness acts, I’m still a girl, and despite being all-round difficult I guess I still want advice and support. And despite the fact that my hand’s itching to take that previous sentence and press the Backspace button, I’m just going to roll with it, because a girl can lower her defenses and talk some cheesy crap once in a while–honest, cringe-worthy crap that she knows she probably won’t repeat to anyone soon and that she knows she’ll regret ever posting. Being human and having all those un-awesome emotions and thoughts suck. (I should just focus on being awesome instead.)

Easier said than done, I guess. Admittedly, I allow myself the wild flight of fantasy once in a while and imagine that I’m another of those expressive girls who like to put their emotions where other people can see them. The kind of girl who cries when she’s even remotely sad and demands attention when she wants it. The problem with me though is that I never get sad–just different degrees of pissed off–and take pride in being no drama queen. No, it’s not a problem with me. In fact, I’m goddamn proud of it. I have the guts to genuinely mean it when I say that haters can fuck off, and I’m pretty good at controlling the waterworks, i.e. meaning that they seldom come on, if at all.

I’m looking at a girl who punches walls when she gets pissed off but won’t throw a soft toy across the room, and I’m thinking why she does the things that she does and why she acts the way she acts. And I’m wondering if she’s tired, if she will be in the near future, and what she’d do when the inevitable happened. I’m looking at someone who would leave a task to the last minute and then complete it with awesome efficiency, lots of yelling, far too much swearing and barging/knocking things around…just for the adrenaline rush.

All this thinking and wondering is just part of being human, I guess, and I feel like kicking myself when I realize that I have more feelings than I would like to have and when I realize that I’m just pretending not to care when I’m really sorta sensitive. I wish I could use pure logic and coax myself away from this big emotion clusterfuck, but I can’t. Even now, part of me is saying that I’m making too big a deal out of all this and that humans are just naturally goddamn lame and sensitive like that, but I don’t care and this is something I want to write and rant about.

Other things that I wish I could do but know better to genuinely wish that due to logic/common sense: 1) To be able to deal with things as if I had my tear ducts completely removed (as opposed to only partially), 2) To be able to control my emotions completely and not waste time thinking about love interests, and 3) To accept others’ critique of my work without disappointment, especially because of the fact that I asked for it in the first place.

So far, I see a girl who has far less confidence than she’s letting on. Who, despite being negative and pessimistic, still harbors a secret longing for a happy ending. I think I see a girl who’s simply growing up and trying to find answers along the way. …And something about the way she’s traveling that road makes me think that she’s not going to give up searching until she finds them satisfactory.

I haven’t managed to answer all these questions of my own–yet. But the first step is to recognize what I see and the second is to voice my questions, and that’s what I’ve done (I hope).

Bah! So much for the mushy, non-manly shit. Wish me luck, and–well, the future awaits.

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One Response to “Sobered up, and thinking.”

  1. msitgal August 14, 2011 at 12:45 am #

    This is NOT a boring post. Very insightful; I appreciate your ability to express all these conflicting thoughts and desires and emotions (and as a girl myself, I can related). Thanks for sharing!

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