Headache.

28 Mar

Yeah, this appears to be my blogging pattern–nothing for a long long time, then a couple of days with a post a day. 

Today I signed my life away to the SAT. That is to say, I registered for the exam. For someone who hasn’t done much preparation of any kind at all and who has just over a month to cram, it’s pretty brave. And pretty stupid, too, depending on how you look at it. I also have a completely redundant TOEFL test in two weeks (who told me to register for that, anyway?!), and I have a textbook that I haven’t even opened yet. 

I am a paragon of efficiency and diligence.

And as the title suggests, I have a huge headache. It’s the kind that I usually have, with the base of my head pounding like hell whenever I get up and walk around and ESPECIALLY when I walk up/down stairs. It’s the blood; I can hear it. It’s terrible and really distracting and it also makes me dizzy and nauseous and–well, a headache’s a headache. 

Why am I writing a post about headaches?!

I dunno. Well, I do. I think I just feel a need to express myself somehow, since I’m beginning to doubt friendships and everyone around me all over again just when I thought I had it all down and I really don’t have time for hardcore drawing or piano-playing. So here I am! Projecting my thoughts and feelings via my much-neglected blog.

What I really want to post about is all the IRL shit and all the confusion that I’m experiencing but I can’t, so let me just say that it’s almost a pattern that whenever I get my hopes up or believe in an optimistic view it crashes down on me pretty fast and for no apparent reason, especially when it’s social stuff, and I have problems telling people what I feel when I care about them because of my huge ego, which just leads to me being passive-aggressive and all that which doesn’t help matters at all.

All I want is just a feeling of…safeness, you know? With a person, or a small group of people. There are people whom you know they’ll be there for you and there are people who say that they’ll always be there for you but act otherwise. The fucked-up bit is the fact that you feel safe with both until something happens and the latter sort disappears for no reason and leave you with endless “what-the-fuck”s unanswered. With as limited a social circle as I have, finding the right friends is a task with extra difficulty. And I’m always doubting. Always.

That’s a signal that something’s not right. I thought that there was a person who really would be there for me, as they said/still say they would be, but they just caused me a lot of confusion and really they’re just the reason for whatever I’ll need people to be there for. And when they said so again today I really couldn’t even bring myself to look convinced, even though a part of me still feels safest with them (despite the fact that I feel almost a stranger to them). Maybe it’s just inevitable. Drifting back and forth. It doesn’t really matter what they say or what I wish. I’m not going to be able to say much to them and I doubt they even notice anything.

It’s just that, I’m disappointed. About how things just suddenly changed and we went from being best friends to mere classmates. And also of the fact that the other person doesn’t even seem to notice or care.

*Sorry for all this personal shit I posted here. Some things I just need to get off my chest :/

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One Response to “Headache.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Headache. « AwesomeAim, Unlimited « health niches your heald care blog - March 29, 2012

    […] the original post: Headache. « AwesomeAim, Unlimited   Posted in: Uncategorized Tags: a-long-long, appears, days-with, exam, life, life-away, […]

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