Tag Archives: school

Summertime.

6 Jul

The title totally reminds myself of the song “In the Summertime”, of which artist’s name I forgot.

What can I say? This is the summer between two years of IB and seriously, there’s not much in terms of major rest and relaxation. Lots of essays, preparation for college–that sounds more like it! Which is sort of a shame, because I’ve only grown fond of holidays during recent years. The exciting thing about this summer, though, is the fact that I’ll be going to America for the first time in many years! 

Nevermind the fact that it’s partially for touring colleges and attending classes. It’s going to be fun anyway. Or at least I hope! Because I’m going to be with a group, like as in a summer program, it would totally suck if I couldn’t get along with the people there. Which I hope won’t happen. If it does, I guess I’ll just call people all the time and write/blog a lot.

(That sounds inviting.) But you get my gist!

So I guess this is turning into a “My Summer Plans” type of post. Oh well, I never seem to know what I want to write beforehand anyway. 

Summer program and touring aside, hopefully I’ll also get to meet an old friend! Who is sort of a sister-from-another-mother. So that should be a major highlight.  

( And all that aside I have a 4000 word draft, two English essays, an Art project and lots of late Bus.Man assignments that I have to hand in by the end of August. Am not happy about this: I leave in less than 10 days and have another 10 days after I get back from America to do this. More or less! )

IB aside, I really need to get my plans straight. I don’t really know which colleges I want to go to or what I want to study, and this is among the many things that I would like to find out this summer. I can’t prepare myself for what I don’t know will happen, so here’s hoping to getting that sorted out. Oh, and my personal statement. I need to get over my aversion to writing personal, emotional things in order to get that done. I find myself trying to hold back as much information as possible and seriously, I think I would feel a lot more comfortable writing someone else’s personal statement. I don’t like the feeling of having my thoughts and emotions on paper for anyone to see and laugh at.

Or having my emotions anywhere, really. 

But that’s growing up for you? Suck it up, that’s what I’ll have to do, just like all the people before me did and like all the people after me will have to do. 

Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Hope y’all have a great summer too. 

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Team Spirit: None. School Trips: Suck.

2 Oct

Yes, I have been neglectful. I have not been posting very often. However, you must take into account the fact that I am in school all day, have schoolwork to see to, and then lots of extra stuff that I must participate in in my spare time. On top of all that is the Internet, which admittedly takes up all the rest (and even my sleeping hours). But I digress, again, as I always do. (I should stop, really.)

And by the way: this is a rant.

Last Wednesday, my school organized a House Trip. Being a British(-ish) school, we have a House system that consists of four Houses, with the students put into them at random. The school would each year organize activities in desperate attempts at inducing some House spirit in the students. Let me make it clear that this is a high school with kids from grade 7-12. Let me make it clear that the age of the kids range from about 10-19 (even 21 in one case). Let me make it clear that House Trips are nowhere near “fun and exciting”.

On this particular one, the school organized for us students to go to some Rugby Club (again) to do activities, which were MANDATORY. You couldn’t decide not to join in. You couldn’t tell them that you hated ball games, hated water fights, hated pointless running around, and generally hated sports in general. Oh no. You had to do sack races, run around with cups of water, crawl around and do team stuff, and you were supposed to enjoy it.

When I heard this recount from people who did go, I could not describe how glad I was that I had saved myself from such a dreadful fate. For you people who don’t know me personally, I: cannot play ball games to save my life, came this close to catching a pass in basketball once but then panicked and dodged it (as usual), am an asset to the opposite team, try to hold negotiations in the middle of the game and debate over how much money they should give me for helping their team instead, and confuse both teams by being ambiguous about which side I belong to. And my team spirit? WHAT TEAM SPIRIT? I may have team spirit when it’s academically associated (and especially when I’m in charge), but I can’t be bothered to make any effort in team sports. Really, sabotaging the whole thing and snarking at everything/everyone is so much better. That is what I would have done. All day. Making no effort and snarking at people.

And I am so fucking proud of it.

See, my reason for not going (for the sake of others’ enjoyment) should be perfectly understandable. It is justified. In this self sacrifice of missing out a day of sarcasm and bitchiness, I am allowing others to enjoy themselves undisturbed.

The fact stands that about five people in total went to the trip from the IB grades 11 and 12. In total, about 25% of the school was absent. In my eyes, when I stepped into that small hall to get our early-morning lecture the next day, the people who had failed to show up were those with proper lives of their own. With better things to do and a good enough taste to decide what kind of activities are downright streetcred-clearing. UNDIGNIFIED. (Seriously. Just look. The older kids are all missing. This should tell you something.) (And when I saw the pictures of kids my age enjoying themselves, I don’t know, I just, uh, felt really sick. From all that…lack of dignity. Or something. I’m just like that) And when the Head of Pastoral went on about how much they enjoyed themselves, I couldn’t help but think about how many complaints I heard. And when she said “I bet you were bored”, I almost laughed. I had an awesome day. I played the piano and I learned to cross stitch and I discovered a new awesome café and I did lots of interesting things. But I really felt like losing it when she somehow connected this to academics and said that it meant that we were lazy people who would get bad grades.

I got the highest IGCSE grade in my entire fucking grade, excuse me. Academics have no correlation to these things at all. In fact, there is almost an inverse (negative?) correlation. And I like normal school days fine. If it had been a normal school day, I would have attended. So, well, at least I learned to distinguish badly-thought out lectures from good ones that morning.

Enough of the bitching. I could go on forever.

School trips and school activities should be more academics-centered. Or if not, they should at least be new and interesting. Students should not be forced to take part in activities that the school deems “fun and exciting” just because the majority of people enjoy pointless games. Why can’t they organize something like a day of still-life drawing outdoors? Or going to an art gallery? Going to a concert? Doing photography? Music? Touring? Free time at some tourist area (okay even that sucks)? Visiting a library?

And since these current existing school trips don’t actually enhance students’ academics much at all, they should be compulsory. If not that, then they should at least separate the lower and upper grades and allow for students to choose which activities they partake in, or rather if they partake in activities at all.

I’m remembering the time when we had to sit through Toy Story 3 or what shit just because some lower grade dipshit’s parents complained that Robin Hood was PG-13 or something.

Just…NO.

2 a.m. Musings

27 Sep

a.k.a. “wwhat is this I don’t evven–“

It’s exactly 2 a.m. in the morning. I just took a cold shower, for no reason other than to not wake my parents up. If they were to wake up, I would be in deep shit. Even deeper shit than I already am in. I’ve already had like three dizzy spells or whatever the hell you call ’em tonight (morning) and my pancreas tells me that it’s probably bad news. My toenail agrees.

Really, I am going to write a post. I am going to report my findings and whatnot and teaching stuff in the migrant school. That sentence made no sense. I choose to ignore that. Anyway, I sort of regret telling you guys this. You’ll take one look and decide that it’s not interesting enough and ignore my next post. Well, uh, don’t?

For now I’m going to be Such A Teenager and moan and whine about my shitty life as of now. Actually it’s not that shitty and I’m actually happier than I was last year, sort of, in a peaceful and content way I guess, but I DIGRESS SO GODDAMN MUCH I DON’T EVEN–. SO ANYWAY about the moaning and the shittiness: I have like 2 more homeworks that are Math and Science respectively, and they are the worst subjects to attempt in the middle of the goddamn morning. Jeez. I sort of blame myself, because it’s sort of my fault I didn’t start on them earlier, but I have a ton of extra shit that’s on my hands too: the school magazine final editing, an article for our Languages Department, the flagraising MC translation, and also a poster for some Halloween party.

What did I do? Oh right, do the extra shit and leave the homework. Admittedly the extra shit is sort of more pressing, but still. This actually reminds me of another post I want to write, but aah. I digress. Again.

I also want to learn to cross-stitch. I saw these pictures of these awesome Homestuck blankets and pillowcases, crocheted by this girl, and IT IS LOVE. It’s on Deviantart and the artist is RozeUKun, I think. I can’t crochet, never tried, so I’m going to start small and try and stitch something. My last attempt at stitching ended up chucked somewhere and forgotten, but this time it is going to be Different. If it goes well, I might try crocheting. I want a scarf. And a laptop cozy. Or even just a towel, bluh. Handicraft/work has never been my strength (cannot even do origami), but WE SHALL SEE.

As you can see, my tone gets really informal in the early mornings. Partly because the screen is sort of bright and I’m spacing out a bit while I type.

Okay, so about the homework…yeah. I’ve kept it waiting for long enough. ;_;  (ugh stupid looking emoticon)

Yeah. Those of you suffering from similar things, feel free to moan here too.

September; School; …sigh.

8 Sep

Okay, am conforming to the trend. After all, it’s September–no better time to rant and bitch about the beginning of school.

Actually, I don’t really think school’s that bad. But I’m a teenager, and teenagers gotta do what they gotta do–complain, that is. I want to start off by complaining that our school year started two days early; 30th August, but I guess I also have to admit that there are other schools who started even earlier–by a week.

But that aside, I don’t really mind going to school that much. The social clusterfucks and the shortass lunch breaks piss me off sometimes (I hardly eat lunch now as a result, plus the lunch sort of sucks), but I find most of my classes genuinely interesting. Wow. What? Classes, interesting? You must be from outer space! …Yes, I find the math interesting, and the English, and the Theory Of Knowledge, and especially Business Studies–something that I had never studied before. Unlike last year, we only have 6 subjects , and I have yet to find any of them exceptionally tedious.

Did I mention that I’m doing the IB? That’s the reason for the 6 subjects. Most people choose to take 3 Standard Level courses and 3 Higher Level ones, but you’re allowed to take 4 HLs.

Oh yeah, and uniforms. I have to admit that my school actually has okay uniforms compared to what I’ve seen. It isn’t the best, but I guess it’ll suffice. It’s a white buttoned shirt, a tie/bow tie that matches with the skirt, dark red checkeredish skirt/dark blue pants, and whatever shoes you can get away with wearing.

To my teachers’ credit and my own surprise, there hasn’t been much homework lately. I’ve been able to stay ahead of the homework, which means that I even have some free time on my hands. Somehow, I can never concentrate well at home–so I usually head for the coffee/donut place right beside my house after school to get the work done. When I’m not procrastinating, wasting time or doing homework, I’m either reading, going on the Internet, writing or drawing. Yes, I finally picked up drawing again. Three months is too long a break from a hobby. Although they sort of suck, I’m crediting it to my atrocious lack of practice, and that excuse can stand for a little while longer I suppose.

Nothing interesting has happened lately (contrary to those of you living your lives in college). Everything’s pretty cool, we have the same people for most of the classes here (mix-n-match within the year group), and all the new teachers are pretty chill. Soon I’ll have to start with my magazine again and also join the yearbook team–not to mention begin the CAS hours community service stuff, so maybe I’ll find something to write about then.

I’m sorry that this post is such a bore. I wanted to write something interesting and witty about the start of school, but I don’t feel as strongly about it as I feel I should and I just can’t think of anything interesting. Nothing’s interesting when you’re in a routine and used to it. I just learned about “stream-of-consciousness” writing lately and maybe this counts as it.

Maybe feeling so laid-backish isn’t such a great thing after all.

Meh.

Respect? What’s that

7 Sep

This is actually a speech I had to make on the first Flagraising Ceremony. So bear with me, please.

******

The last day of school is still fresh in our minds, and yet here we are again embracing another brand new school year. Hopefully, the summer has been as productive as it had been relaxing, and everyone is refreshed and ready for another year of diligence!

Perhaps some of us may find ourselves unused to campus life after so long. Back in school surrounded by peers and teachers, we need to respect and understand each other in spite of our differences. This is where we must learn to co-operate with people different from ourselves—people who are from different parts of the world, people who speak different languages, people who hold different beliefs and also people who have different opinions. This is what sets us International schools apart from the localized ones: we are surrounded by all sorts of people who have all sorts of backgrounds. What we can learn from this opportunity is how to be with people who may not always share our views.

We must strive to understand each other by putting ourselves in their shoes and appreciating the way and the reason for which they think and behave. The word “understand” is made of the terms “under” and “stand”, and in this context it refers to the inner values that they stand by. But before we can do this, we must first appreciate and acknowledge one another’s differences by respecting them.

As some of you may have already guessed, my topic today is about respect. This subject does come up very often indeed, but perhaps we don’t really understand it as much as we think we do. Respect, unfortunately, is nowadays easily confused with deference because of its context, and although they are similar in a way, they are entirely different things. For the majority of us, the word “respect” is most often associated with guardians, teachers, and the like. While its meaning may overlap some with that of the word ‘deference’, it is much simpler and easier done. In short, being respectful does not necessarily mean being deferential. To be respectful is to be attentive, to allow dignity, or to hold a positive feeling of esteem for someone or something. It means being appreciative of other people’s differences and being civil. And this is the very least that we should do to one another. As we all know, basic signs of respecting someone include listening when they speak, taking their opinions seriously, not insulting them or their beliefs, and not being violent.

We also need to be aware of the fact that showing respect is more of a statement about ourselves rather than about those whom we show it to. By keeping in mind the rather overused yet undoubtedly wise statement, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, we can together create and uphold a harmonious, friendly environment to study and grow up in.

Thank you for your attention.

******

I was asked to give a speech on the first Flagraising Ceremony of the semester, about Respect and Understanding. This is such an overdone topic that I’m pretty sure that only 1-2% actually listened to my speech, but to my credit I did try to make it less tedious and less…traditional, I guess. I dislike the kind of motivational speech that is made up of little more than empty words.

So instead, I tried to explore what “respect” really meant, literally, as well as our misinterpretations of it. Perhaps I am wrong. And it’s more than likely that my arguments are horrifyingly underdeveloped, but this is a start-of-term speech, after all. I risked turning it into an argumentative essay already.

Anyway. I’ve been sleeping for little more than (perhaps even less than) 6 hours each night for three days now, and now I sort of can’t think properly. Thank god there hasn’t been much homework lately. 

Every time I try to type “homework”, I end up tying “Homestuck” instead. Bluh bluh bluh.

Alright, Imma retire to bed. Hey look, it’s only midnight. Guess I’m early today.

Jeez, it’s not a crush

30 Aug

So how should I tackle this?

Let me just say, very clearly, that: when I appear to prefer male company–

IT IS NOT A “THING”. IT ISN’T EVEN BECAUSE THEY ARE MALE. NO, I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH.

Why do people always try and nudge me and make crude jokes when I’m friends with dudes? Admittedly, friendships have potential of turning into…other ships, but it’s hardly logical to suspect simply because the friendship exists. In my case, it’s doubly unlikely. Moirails (more HS reference) at best, but that doesn’t count in this human-world. Those of you who bombard me with eyebrow-waggling and shit, I hope you get the message.

Instead, it’s a personality thing. It’s not as if I don’t have any female friends. However, I find that I don’t really mix well with most of the girls in my grade (and beyond). It’s because I’m not as into goofing around all day and slathering makeup and trying to be “pretty” (something I will bitch about another day), and also because I’m pretty much the nerdiest/weirdest person in the class. I would rather discuss social issues, have debates, and analyze people/things than decide which nightclub is best. I want to make sarcastic comments in class and have someone near me appreciate them rather than tune out of everything. I want to discuss whatever topic in class without it being my monologue. And I want to carry a proper conversation where we can explore a topic/issue properly.

I doubt that I would actually turn around and say, “look, he’s just more interesting to me than you are, and he can carry a conversation in a way that you sort of can’t”, because that would make me appear “bitchy”. Even if I was being honest and telling the truth. (Dudes are also, in general, more open to constructive criticism.) This is another thing that I dislike about the majority of girls: they can’t take criticism without resenting it. Even if they agreed with it, they would view the utterer in a less favorable light than they used to. Jeez, if I were like that, then I’d be hating most of my friends.

My point here is that I can decide for myself which people I work best with. If it’s a girl, so be it. If it’s a guy, so be it. If it’s a transexual, so be it. If it’s an animal, so be it. Although possible, I would hardly make friends with someone and hang around them like a loser (wait, not that I hang around my friends like a loser in any way) just because I was infatuated. That would not go down well with my humongous ego.

I don’t want to tell you forthrightly that anyone else is much more interesting and fun to be with than you, and I expect for you to accept the truth that the said person may be of the opposite gender in return. I also expect you to realize that if said person acted in ways that I disliked, I wouldn’t be friends with them either. REGARDLESS OF GENDER.

What I admit is that I do prefer traits in people that more often appear in guys than in girls, but not always. I have met really cool chicks and really uncool dudes, too. So yes, this affects my choice in friends.

I hope this was clear enough. Jeez. I’m sort of ranting.

And if it makes you feel better, two dudes have already accidentally implied that I was a dude myself. I can’t really put my finger on why this feels relevant, because I still need to have dinner. 

Another Beginning, albeit a rather depressing one

29 Aug

Today was Orientation Day, in which we went back to school, hung around for a bit, listened (spaced out) to the headmaster’s speech, and then retreated to our form groups to do basically nothing. Okay, this is the deal: I experienced none of the following emotions: nervousness, excitement, happiness, and nor was I relieved. Of course, there are far more emotions that I did not experience today, but I digress.

I’m wondering if I’m the only one who felt sort of cynical about this. I don’t if cynical is even the right word. So, another school year. So what? Admittedly, I’m looking forward to some of my new teachers and classes (and of course dreading others), but in general I’m pretty “meh” about it. Either it’s because my think pan (Homestuck reference) is completely bursting with Homestuck and therefore has no more space for anything else, or it’s simply because I had a rad time (week?) with my Friend (yes, capital letter F) last week and can’t really deal with the fact that I’m going to be drowning in non-rad times once more. So that means no more hysterical laughter, no more Homestuck shipping debates, etc, etc. And no more 4-a.m. sneaking out of the house.

Yeah, jeez, I hate being on opposite sides of the fucking globe.

The new kids don’t look as if they’re my kind of person. No webcomic-reading, no reading in general, bluh bluh. As a matter of fact, hardly anyone is, really. I guess I’ll just deal with the Homestuck love on my own for now and hope that something awesome happens later.

Whatever it was that I had been expecting, it was not this generally laid-back feeling. I’d imagined that I would be at least a little more excited, a little more upbeat. Instead I snarked at everyone and then took a nap while listening to Homestuck tracks. Because, really, school’s nothing much anymore. I have no idea why I think this, but maybe it’s because of the office job. Or maybe it’s just my ego. Maybe I caught sight of what was at the end of the tunnel and decided that I was unimpressed, and so decided that the journey wasn’t that worth it either.

It doesn’t change the fact that I bought those awesome new notebooks, though. I’m psyched about finally putting them to use.

Starting tomorrow, it’s schooldays. No more Homestuck-reading or whatever. Not even people to talk about it with. No more deciding what I want to do and when, because everything’s planned out already. And I’ll have to deal with the pointless outings that generally leave me even more depressed than I had been before, but go on with my classmates anyway. I have no idea (actually, a pretty good idea) why I’m so pessimistic about this, but all of it’s true. Maybe I’ll stick to hanging around in the library during lunchtimes this year, where I can do what I want.

I wish there were more people in my class that I could genuinely call my friends. “Friends”, by my definition, not theirs. Sadly though there are incredibly few, and we don’t really hang with each other much.

This is probably why people should always have good friends handy. Jeez.

This sounds all so depressing, I’ll just go and read more Homestuck.

I also have a feeling that if anyone at all can go through with reading Homestuck like I tell them to–and find it as enjoyable as I (we) do, I will have found a friend in them.

I doubt anyone will. Perhaps this is just the way of life.

In the end, you’re always alone.

Why did Orientation make me write this. Jeez.

Also, if you’re in my class and feel offended, then don’t be. This is my blog and I’m entitled to writing whatever I want to. I’m sorry if I implied anything. But not really sorry. So sorry for that.

Word Salad.

24 Aug

BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME, yo.

I never thought I’d say this about the Shanghainese weather, which is typically warm and humid and generally terrible, but it’s been awesome lately. It actually is cooler outside than it is inside–a feat I had previously imagined impossible. Last summer pretty much rendered Shanghai this huge cooker, with the sun beating down on us every single day and also not to mention no cool breeze. Uh, you get the point. Last year = lameass fiery weather, and This year = nice cool breezy weather. And yes, it deserves this paragraph. I walk out of my apartment every day and literally smile because it’s so awesome. See? Low expectations, high levels of satisfaction. Anyway, am hoping that it will last. IT HAS TO.

That aside, I’m preparing for the upcoming school year (IB) by buying a shitload of awesome notebooks and other stationery I don’t even need. Shush, it’s like, my “thing”. Stationery-buying should be a viable pastime. I’ll give away what I don’t need later if I have to, but god knows that I’ll probably keep them in a drawer somewhere and forget. While other people collect clothes and the like, I collect stationery. And mugs and bags, but–

Another cause for celebration (actually, pretty much the only one) is the fact that the editor of the magazine I volunteered to write for emailed me back after a two-month break. It’s a magazine (English, of course) that gives information and advice about international schools in Shanghai, so I suppose it takes summer breaks, too. I have my first writing assignment–to write about my plans/goal for the upcoming school year and how I’m going to go through with them, which means that I’ll have to brainstorm and then bullshit it (sorry if you’re reading this…please, don’t be reading this). According to Harry Frankfurt, bullshit is something that is completely disregards the truth but may not necessarily be false…so that would be it. To be honest, though, I sort of look forward to the whole job. Bullshitting is simply part of it. 

I just realized that I’ve been really unproductive lately. I haven’t been blogging properly, haven’t been playing much piano, haven’t been doing much SAT, haven’t been–yes. But that’s the entire point of the summer holidays, so I might as well enjoy this preposterous time-wasting while I have the luxury to. Bluh.

…And there’s this sort-of-cute dude in this donut shop near my house who may or may not know my name but uh greets me upon meeting so I guess that’s a good thing and this is a disgusting run-on sentence so I shall terminate it immediately.

I envy you folks who are in college, yo. And y’all who actually manage to post coherently.

Unlike, well, me.

@Shanghai: the Chinese Propaganda Museum

16 Aug

Shortly before the school year ended, my awesome History teacher brought our class of two to a propaganda museum. We’d been learning about the WWII and all those things from the Western perspective, so this was the perfect opportunity to look at what the Chinese had been getting from their government back then. After all, the Chinese are notorious for their propaganda–the government uses it shamelessly. The Chinese news? Don’t trust it (Embarrassing events? Not on the news. Death toll? ALWAYS. BELOW. 36). Do I even have to mention the fact that Facebook and Youtube are blocked, along with a number of other websites as well?

Needless to say, I was looking forward to the trip. The museum was in a residential area, nicely tucked away and quite invisible to those who weren’t seeking it. They were all genuine posters dating from way back when (1930s) and arranged in chronological order. Sadly, we weren’t allowed to take photos, so we made do with admiring the posters and wondering how many people had seen the very same thing before us. The men there, who had lived through the best part of the events depicted, were extremely friendly and spoke English (one even spoke German and French! He put me to shame). They explained the posters to us when we were too ignorant, so a thank you to them.

I can’t remember too much of the rest of the museum, so it was a really good thing I bought those postcards in the gift shops (at 6 yuan apiece, they were the cheapest. Genuine old textbooks were up to several hundred). Here they are, at least my photos of them, carefully arranged using Photoshop on a cork board image I downloaded from Fuzzimo.

I’m not going to explain them in detail here, but the two at the bottom right are: 1st) in support of the Cultural Revolution, and 2nd) claiming that “Knowledge is Power”. I bought those on purpose–next to each other, it’s really ironic. The Cultural Revolution was all against knowledge and whatnot, and people had been sent off to work in fields instead of to study in schools. The one in the top right corner is in support of the blacks in America, and the one in the middle was during the Vietnam War. The remaining three are about revolution and how great Chairman Mao is.

Oh, and you can see bits of thumb too, but just ignore that.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m not sure whether or not it’s healthy to actually feel an urge to post something every single day, but I’ll just roll with it until the holidays end (or, um, until I find something else to serve as a distraction). I do want to say though that I really dislike the whole “censoring information” thing that the Chinese government does–many Chinese people are in the dark about the TianAnMen Massacre, even today.

Don’t get me started. I’ll post something more interesting (hopefully at least, if you found this boring) tomorrow, or something. My parents are limiting my Internet-time, which is much needed sucks. The good news is that I may very well be returning to Shanghai tomorrow.

Yay.

Edit: The address, for anyone who would like to visit it, is at : Room BOC, Basement, Block B (No.4), 868 HuaShan Road (Shanghai). 上海 华山路868号BOC室。It’s open daily from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Telephone: 86-21-62111845. Email: pmyang@sh163.net

Expectations, pessimism, and examination results.

15 Aug

Why did I put this in the category “Happenings”? Because today was the day I finally got my IGCSE results back. After two months of solid waiting, it’s about time, too. But–I digress, and I’ll write about the results themselves later, because I don’t want to be the sort of person who posts about their exam results online just to get people to compliment them. I really don’t.

I want to discuss something that’s been on my mind since…well, forever. I consulted Google, and this is what it regurgitated for me when I looked for the word “pessimist”. These are from various dictionary websites (and others too):

Pessimist:

  1. A tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view.
  2. A person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy.
  3. The tendency to expect the worst and see the worst in all things.

…etc, etc.

People who have heard my views on life and this planet in general often tell me in the end that I’m a negative person; a pessimist. I agree. Then again, I’m not that gloomy (intense, more like) and I don’t see the worst in all things. When I do, though, I accept it. I know that I’m cynical and sarcastic, and that I often point out flaws and unfavorable possibilities, but to me it’s simply being realistic. …This is probably what all pessimists think.

Being realistic is No. 1 on my list. I agree with the saying “reality is cruel” completely. Being realistic means looking at something from all angles, noting the ways it could possibly go wrong and the ways in which it could be improved. It means taking precautions against wind and rain on a well-planned picnic and keeping separate copies of important documents. It means bringing [my equivalent to a] diary everywhere and checking on it religiously to make sure that it’s still there and that nobody has stolen it. It also, to many people, means being very, very paranoid indeed.

Considering all this, I hardly feel entitled to the label “optimist”, and yet I feel a reluctance to openly declare myself a pessimist without launching into an agitated explanation straight afterwards.

Why? Because the first image people see in their minds when they think of the word “pessimist” is either an old, gnarled man, a greasy-haired slacker or a self-mutilating teenager. I’m none of those things. I can be pessimistic and snarky and cynical and all that shit AND still enjoy life. The fact that I see myself looking upon (or rather swimming in) a drowned city in fifty years doesn’t stop me from doing my homework or enjoying my coffee. It certainly doesn’t stop me from washing my hair or wearing colorful clothing or keeping my body in one single piece.

And now, about expectations. Me–I’m always expecting the worst; after all, I’m a pessimist/realist/cynic/negative person/weirdo. To me, it makes no sense for a person to get themselves all hyped up and expecting the best only for their hopes to be dashed. With high expectations, things can only be worse. When you steel yourself for the worst, however, there’s a big chance that things actually turn out to be better. Or, you know, not as bad. Same thing. I don’t mean that you should be apathetic and mope about thinking about how much you’ll fail, but I’m all for preparing yourself for dissatisfaction. This, and my pessimism in general, is something that I’ve failed to make my parents understand–they keep trying to tell me that I should be looking at the brighter side of things. Being more optimistic.

“Setting myself up for more disappointments”, says my little voice.

I guess you can see where I’m leading up to. Yeah, exam results. I guess I was probably too confident in myself–I’d hoped for all A’s. I didn’t see that I was setting myself up for The Big Disappointment. And now just because I’m anal-retentive about weird things like IGCSE results like that, I can’t even bring myself to be happy about the fact that I scored double A’s in the subject I thought I was going to mess up on because I replaced the two potential B’s with other subjects–subjects that I thought I couldn’t mess up in. In other words, I shouldn’t have gotten them B’s. Through some freak stroke of luck (or rather, the lack of it), though…yeah.

I realize that I’m being bratty and ungrateful and whatnot, but I really feel that had I worked harder I would’ve gotten the A’s. In other words, I’m pissed at myself. And that’s worse than being pissed at other stuff, because you have nobody else to blame and basically reap what you sow. I’m pissed because I didn’t work as hard as I could have and I’m pissed because I forgot to listen to my own advice and prepare myself for these freak happenings.

I’m not pro enough a pessimist. Or I just let my ego blow myself away. In any case, I’ll just go away now and try to get over it.

Signing off now from a mall that’s at its closing hour, Me.

Edit: I totally forgot to say how much I want to thank my teachers. Certain ones in particular :D. So…in the unlikely event that you’re reading this, THANK YOU!