2 Jan

[I just wrote a whole post and now it’s all gone and I am really pissed. I forgot to Ctrl+C before I clicked Publish.

Okay so, second try. This is much less coherent and where did my syntax go ugh.]

I am going to come back. Sort of. I haven’t been on here since forever and I don’t really know what to say most of the time, but I guess it’s my own little niche in this vast expense of sheer Internet and it’s precious to me if only for that.

Maybe I’m going to be too judgmental and too serious and too literal and too opinionated and too everything. But this blog carries none of the social conscience that Facebook or Renren does. Most of the people who follow this don’t know me in IRL and most of the people who know me IRL either don’t know about, don’t give two fucks about or can’t get onto this blog because Great Firewall Of China.

I use Renren, the Chinese version of Facebook – right down to the Timeline. It felt like a social platform for the first few days. The rest of it became frantic “sharing”. Clicks of buttons, reblogs of posts. Nothing but reblogs. Pictures with words on them, pictures with sentimental harangued phrases as captions, pictures with “reblog-or-you-will-die” threats under them, all reblogged, the same things over and over again, until you think you’re going to be sick. I’m complaining. I know that in a way I shouldn’t be, because I used to do that too.

Back to what I was saying. I don’t know how to say this. Everything looks so fake. Well-being is expected of you. Your “friends” don’t really want to hear about your problems, and most of the time vice versa, but when someone posts them you sorta HAVE TO reply because even if you don’t, you know they keep check, and the bold ones confront you about it. They wouldn’t give you a honest answer even if you did. They don’t trust you enough. They just want the attention. Renren, and sometimes even Facebook isn’t a platform for social interaction or connection. It’s a service that gives you a mask. You put it on and you make it what you want. Or maybe it’s just the friends I have.

I don’t want to be all wrapped up in the falsity. I don’t want to say “what’s wrong” to people I don’t really care about or hear these insincere comments reflected back at me.

Here I just want to shout my thoughts to the open Internet and hope that somewhere, somehow, someone will resonate with my words. They don’t have to follow the blog because they know me in person. They don’t have to comment to prove they’ve been here.

It’s much more real this way.

I hope.


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