Limbo

I have a feeling that this is going to be a post that I have already written before. 

What is becoming increasingly obvious to me is the fact that I no longer feel comfortable about my abilities (or rather, self-perceived abilities). Before grades were all that important, I got above-average results and got along with most of the people I had to get along with. When grades became important, I aced everything and skipped a grade. And all this time I had my best buddy with me, so social life was not of any concern. When she left, I still got more-than-decent grades in my IGCSEs, but needed friends I could really ‘click’ with. In some ways this is still an issue.

Anyway. I hate writing really personal stuff because it makes me feel all insecure and vulnerable and shit, so yeah. I went into bouts of depression and started thinking a lot about lots of things. I couldn’t really find someone to debate with me, so I started to debate with myself. This is healthy (well the debating and introspection at least), but only to a certain extent. Together with the depression and whatnot I created some sort of cynical, disembodied voice in my head that would offer me a “third person perspective” and lots of discouragement.

Yes I failed to cut the crap, I just write a lot mmkay just deal with it!

So. Remember when I said that I feel like I’m failing at everything? Everything being 1) academics, 2) social comfort.

1. I have the reputation of “best student”, or some shit like that because of my IGCSE grades, and one thing I have to say about the IB is that IT IS ON A WHOLE ‘NOTHER LEVEL. My grades are shitty and average. In comparison to my past achievements, they are a failure. I can just sense the disappointment from my teachers (and it is there, also, from myself). I no longer think that I can write well (why did I ever think that anyway) and for the first time, I’m beginning to wonder if even my best efforts wouldn’t be sufficient (yes weird sentence I know, shush). And that is scary as hell, because the only confidence in myself that I used to have was that if I really, really wanted to do something and managed to put TRUE EFFORT into it, I would succeed no problem. Am rethinking that. 

2. The voice in my head is interfering with my relationships. With anyone, really. Because I unconsciously try to think about all the different ‘sides’ to situations, I also identify how I could appear really out of place or interruptive…which does no good at all to my ego and makes me want to just leave and stay in my room. In some conversations I would just notice that the group of people seemed pretty happy without my input, so why should I stay and possibly intrude? As a result of that I come off as sort of passive-aggressive to friends and family At the same time I am painfully self-conscious of what I do and say. Anything I say that could be / is stupid or incorrect in any way? I jump to point it out and to correct it. The correction isn’t usually much better and usually I just end up in a cringe-worthy cycle.

…Also that may be why I try to explain my thoughts and downplay them and insult my own ideas and all that shit. Just in case I say anything wrong or stupid or biased or ignorant or anything like that. Even on this blog, I do this.

Yeah and now to prove the point, why the hell did I name this Limbo anyway? Is this any kind of limbo? Between two failures, maybe. 

All I can really say for now is that this definitely isn’t one of them good phases of life. I think I made many wrong choices along the way and I’m in a really bad place (mentally too). I see the same problems coming up in different situations and places and it only means that the problem is within me and not a product of the environment! Now all I have to do is change it.

Easier said than done.

This post-rain, clear-skied, somewhat angsty afternoon

I wish I could say that I was above all that pathetic, emotional, sentimental shit–but I’m not. Time to face the fact that I’m just another hormone-ridden teenager and that I’m not excused from having feelings, even if I’m relatively manly and all that. This isn’t really the time for me to worry if I’m posting TMI and/or too much personal shit, but tell me if I do. Mercilessly. I can imagine how annoying it is for you when I keep posting random crap nobody can relate to, so…yeah.

To give you an idea of how decidedly teenager-y I’m being at the moment, this is the song I’m listening to: Wish You Were Here, by Avril Lavigne. Normally I don’t listen much to her songs, but this is an exception. Uh, it’s probably got to do with the fact that I can sorta maybe occasionally relate to the lyrics a little.

And so I’m sitting here at this kitty-cafe at the moment where all the cats are ignoring me, listening to music playing so loudly in my ears that I can’t even really hear myself think–just the way I like it. Just the way I like to whenever I get sad-ish less awesome. Because everyone has those days, right? The awesome thing about loud music is that it flushes out all the angsty thoughts and fills the space with drums and bass guitars and screaming instead. At this precise moment, it’s keeping me from thinking about how I used to pride myself on hardly ever writing cliched teenager stuff. It’s also trying to keep away thoughts about how I’m doubting that I’ll ever have any success in my love life, but this song is just making it worse. Meh, time will tell. This bout of self-pitying will blow over, and I’ll get over whatever I need to get over, and I’ll be my usual awesome self again.

I know for a fact that neither shit blows over that easily nor do I get over things that quickly (incoherence? sorry it must be the guitars/timpani), so I’m going to help myself here a bit:

MANLINESS FTW! I AM SO AWESOME! HELL YEAH! GUNS! EXPLOSIONS! VODKA! FISTFIGHTS! BEER! BOOBS

So…yeah. Moping and complaining is uncool and decidedly un-awesome.

Examples of what IS awesome instead (Playlist!):

(All the below songs are by Superchick unless stated otherwise.)

• Cross The Line
• Anthem
• One Girl Revolution
• Semi-Charmed Life (Third Eye Blind)
• This Is How A Heart Breaks (Rob Thomas)

Yup. See, I have the (imaginary) balls to get over my teenage angst. I remain awesome.

Me: 1, Teenage angst: NIL.