Limbo

I have a feeling that this is going to be a post that I have already written before. 

What is becoming increasingly obvious to me is the fact that I no longer feel comfortable about my abilities (or rather, self-perceived abilities). Before grades were all that important, I got above-average results and got along with most of the people I had to get along with. When grades became important, I aced everything and skipped a grade. And all this time I had my best buddy with me, so social life was not of any concern. When she left, I still got more-than-decent grades in my IGCSEs, but needed friends I could really ‘click’ with. In some ways this is still an issue.

Anyway. I hate writing really personal stuff because it makes me feel all insecure and vulnerable and shit, so yeah. I went into bouts of depression and started thinking a lot about lots of things. I couldn’t really find someone to debate with me, so I started to debate with myself. This is healthy (well the debating and introspection at least), but only to a certain extent. Together with the depression and whatnot I created some sort of cynical, disembodied voice in my head that would offer me a “third person perspective” and lots of discouragement.

Yes I failed to cut the crap, I just write a lot mmkay just deal with it!

So. Remember when I said that I feel like I’m failing at everything? Everything being 1) academics, 2) social comfort.

1. I have the reputation of “best student”, or some shit like that because of my IGCSE grades, and one thing I have to say about the IB is that IT IS ON A WHOLE ‘NOTHER LEVEL. My grades are shitty and average. In comparison to my past achievements, they are a failure. I can just sense the disappointment from my teachers (and it is there, also, from myself). I no longer think that I can write well (why did I ever think that anyway) and for the first time, I’m beginning to wonder if even my best efforts wouldn’t be sufficient (yes weird sentence I know, shush). And that is scary as hell, because the only confidence in myself that I used to have was that if I really, really wanted to do something and managed to put TRUE EFFORT into it, I would succeed no problem. Am rethinking that. 

2. The voice in my head is interfering with my relationships. With anyone, really. Because I unconsciously try to think about all the different ‘sides’ to situations, I also identify how I could appear really out of place or interruptive…which does no good at all to my ego and makes me want to just leave and stay in my room. In some conversations I would just notice that the group of people seemed pretty happy without my input, so why should I stay and possibly intrude? As a result of that I come off as sort of passive-aggressive to friends and family At the same time I am painfully self-conscious of what I do and say. Anything I say that could be / is stupid or incorrect in any way? I jump to point it out and to correct it. The correction isn’t usually much better and usually I just end up in a cringe-worthy cycle.

…Also that may be why I try to explain my thoughts and downplay them and insult my own ideas and all that shit. Just in case I say anything wrong or stupid or biased or ignorant or anything like that. Even on this blog, I do this.

Yeah and now to prove the point, why the hell did I name this Limbo anyway? Is this any kind of limbo? Between two failures, maybe. 

All I can really say for now is that this definitely isn’t one of them good phases of life. I think I made many wrong choices along the way and I’m in a really bad place (mentally too). I see the same problems coming up in different situations and places and it only means that the problem is within me and not a product of the environment! Now all I have to do is change it.

Easier said than done.

Headache.

Yeah, this appears to be my blogging pattern–nothing for a long long time, then a couple of days with a post a day. 

Today I signed my life away to the SAT. That is to say, I registered for the exam. For someone who hasn’t done much preparation of any kind at all and who has just over a month to cram, it’s pretty brave. And pretty stupid, too, depending on how you look at it. I also have a completely redundant TOEFL test in two weeks (who told me to register for that, anyway?!), and I have a textbook that I haven’t even opened yet. 

I am a paragon of efficiency and diligence.

And as the title suggests, I have a huge headache. It’s the kind that I usually have, with the base of my head pounding like hell whenever I get up and walk around and ESPECIALLY when I walk up/down stairs. It’s the blood; I can hear it. It’s terrible and really distracting and it also makes me dizzy and nauseous and–well, a headache’s a headache. 

Why am I writing a post about headaches?!

I dunno. Well, I do. I think I just feel a need to express myself somehow, since I’m beginning to doubt friendships and everyone around me all over again just when I thought I had it all down and I really don’t have time for hardcore drawing or piano-playing. So here I am! Projecting my thoughts and feelings via my much-neglected blog.

What I really want to post about is all the IRL shit and all the confusion that I’m experiencing but I can’t, so let me just say that it’s almost a pattern that whenever I get my hopes up or believe in an optimistic view it crashes down on me pretty fast and for no apparent reason, especially when it’s social stuff, and I have problems telling people what I feel when I care about them because of my huge ego, which just leads to me being passive-aggressive and all that which doesn’t help matters at all.

All I want is just a feeling of…safeness, you know? With a person, or a small group of people. There are people whom you know they’ll be there for you and there are people who say that they’ll always be there for you but act otherwise. The fucked-up bit is the fact that you feel safe with both until something happens and the latter sort disappears for no reason and leave you with endless “what-the-fuck”s unanswered. With as limited a social circle as I have, finding the right friends is a task with extra difficulty. And I’m always doubting. Always.

That’s a signal that something’s not right. I thought that there was a person who really would be there for me, as they said/still say they would be, but they just caused me a lot of confusion and really they’re just the reason for whatever I’ll need people to be there for. And when they said so again today I really couldn’t even bring myself to look convinced, even though a part of me still feels safest with them (despite the fact that I feel almost a stranger to them). Maybe it’s just inevitable. Drifting back and forth. It doesn’t really matter what they say or what I wish. I’m not going to be able to say much to them and I doubt they even notice anything.

It’s just that, I’m disappointed. About how things just suddenly changed and we went from being best friends to mere classmates. And also of the fact that the other person doesn’t even seem to notice or care.

*Sorry for all this personal shit I posted here. Some things I just need to get off my chest

Alone ≠ Lonely

Sometimes when I’m sitting alone, people come up to me and ask if I’m okay or if anything’s wrong. 

I appreciate it, but…

Alone ≠ Lonely. 

Yes, they both have “lone” in them, meaning “one”. Maybe that’s why “alone” has the connotation of loneliness, and consequently why people just usually assume that one is “lonely” if they are alone (and vice versa). BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT LONELY PEOPLE ARE ALONE OR THAT PEOPLE ON THEIR OWN ARE LONELY.

And yes, it happens that if a person is left on their own for too long a period of time, they become lonely. However, that’s only if they are alone against their wishes, or if they cannot do anything about their alone-ness (here I simply refuse to use the word lonely because, well, yeah). If they’re happy about it, or at least content, that’s a different story. Maybe they have stuff on their minds. Maybe they just want to listen to music. Maybe they just want to read their book. What I want to say is that even if someone is on their own whilst most others are in groups, it doesn’t render them “sad and lonely”. 

Sometimes I feel more comfortable in my own privacy. I definitely don’t dislike company, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I desperately need it. Sure, it would be sort of empty without any, but I would manage. And poor-quality company is never better than no company.

I guess that’s why I tend to feel lonely when I’m with/in a large group, then. Something about large groups of semi-friends depresses me. 

And just to make sure it really sinks in: 

 

Alone ≠ Lonely

Alone ≠ Lonely

Alone ≠ Lonely

Alone ≠ Lonely 

So please, please, please spare me the pitying looks. Thank you.

Friends. ..?

I think I’ve said this before, much earlier on. But I’ll say this again, and hope that I’m more coherent this time. 

I think a person can’t have much more than five friends. Five real friends, that is, the kind that you can share almost anything with and not worry about them broadcasting it out to the rest of the world (that is, unless you want them to). The kind that would lie to others for you. The kind that you could sit outside in total silence and still feel comfortable with. With these people, you just know that they belong in a special subset within the general ‘friends’. Can you really find more than five people to put in that subset? I don’t think I can.

I know it depends on the type of person you are, and other things like that–not everyone has the same criteria for ‘friend’ after all. But I’m going to hold on to my belief that no matter who you are or what you do, there are always those few people you know you are true friends with.

Then again, maybe you don’t know. Maybe you just haven’t found them yet.

I’m still struggling with my own definitions. Do I count people that used to be one of them but are now fading out? Do I count people that I’m still not completely sure with? Does this have to be a mutual thing? Do ‘wrong’ people accidentally make it onto the list?

Guess not–about the whole mutual thing, at least. This is why I’m going to bust out that phrase and say that “it’s a feeling”, because it really is. Every person’s different. Interactions and friendships differ too, as a result. If I really wanted to define this properly, I would still be writing next year. 

And I guess I just have to accept that people have ups and downs and have a tendency to piss each other off from time to time. But really, I just wish/hope that people would actually realize when they’re in the subset. Because no matter what, even if it’s just thoughts and whatever intangible emotional shit–‘payout>payback’ ALWAYS SUCKS.

In unrelated news:

1. Probably going to pierce my ears this weekend, yay
2. Recently infected by depression. Why is depression catching? I guess it depends on the person
3. I want a red jacket. Am going to buy one tomorrow (hopefully)
4. I’m so happy that I finally posted something again. Lots of stuff has been happening (and lots of shit too) and I often can’t find what I want to say even though there’s actually a lot. Schoolwork is sapping all my energy. And all my motivation. 
5.  . — — – .— — -. …    … ..- -.-. -.- ! (Right that was pointless and random. Sorry)

Look at me, I’m so thankful

Haha, actually no, I’m not very thankful at all. I’m your average cynical teenaged asshole with a bad attitude who just happens to have read another blogger’s post about things they’re thankful for. And decided to do the same/something similar! Don’t expect sentimentality or moving declarations, because you won’t get them.

I have decided to leave Family out of this, because that doesn’t really count as you pretty much HAVE to include that as #1, regardless of your feelings towards them. They’re like, #0, okay? Like, the first item of the list by default. This way nobody can call me an ungrateful  brat. OKAY SO. FAMILY ASIDE,

(I’ll do the coherence check later, meaning tomorrow. Expect awkward sentences in this post and general WTF.)

1. The few people I consider my real friends. I suck at expressing myself sometimes, especially when it comes to gratitude/sorrow/guilt/whateversentimentalshit, but yeah I guess you guys are okay. …See what I mean? Right. All things considered, I guess I’m pretty damned lucky to know/have known you people. I can’t imagine life withou– I MEAN, BEING SURROUNDED BY DICKWADS THE ENTIRE TIME INSTEAD OF MOST OF THE TIME WOULD SUCK– …Right. Yeah, I hope you know who you are, because I’m not going to tell you so. In my head there are the “friends” and the “friends“, and I really believe that a person can only have a small handful of real friend-friends, so if you’re doubting your position then just assume that the answer is no to be safe.
   
2. Me. The way I turned out. Read: asshole, stubborn, pessimistic, sort of nerdy, independent, egotistical and all that shit. This is not something people would normally be proud of, I guess, but as my dad noted one day while we were having a bad-tempered stubborn-off: “at least you won’t get shitted on too much in the future with your temper”. Which might not be entirely true, because there are always bigger assholes in society who manage to out-asshole/out-shit you, but I doubt I’d be the weakest weakling of the batch, at least temper-wise.
   And now it’s going to come back to my parents, but oh boy am I glad that they didn’t let me watch TV when I was young (I was too scared anyway, still sort of am). They let me read and draw instead and they taught me to play the piano. Also, I’m glad they sent me to Montessori, which allegedly induces (bluh bad word choice I know) independence. The last thing I want to be right now is a groupie. Wait, that should explain my lack of team spirit? This has negative effects too, I know (e.g. no team spirit, ungrateful, egotistical), but I don’t mind them.
   
3. I’m not blind. Yet? *Touch wood. Never let go.* I have terrible eyesight. Without glasses, I can’t discern ANYTHING on the strange lopsided “E”s chart. I used to wear glasses that were not as strong as they were supposed to be (whenever I did, my eyesight just worsened to match the glasses, presumably in some kind of ratio), and it caused me lots of…embarrassment? Lack of self-confidence? I couldn’t see who was walking my way in corridors so sometimes I accidentally ignored friendly people who were saying hi. Other times, I just squinted at them. Not nice either way. BUT–at least I can still see. I’m almost as good as blind without my glasses though, which explains why I’m going to go as a blind person on Halloween. No pretense needed–just a cane and sunglasses. Voila.
   
4. I don’t get sick easily. *Begin walking around with bits of tree stuck to me, permanently* When I do, I don’t really need to seek medical help either. This gives me dangerous confidence, but okay whatever. When I was on my DoE trip to Vietnam, I had two fevers–one on the first day (shivering, with jacket, in the early morning of the Vietnamese summer) and another on the last–and I didn’t realize the first until much later. Anyway, I got over my second (worse) one by basically berating the shit out of myself. Mentally. As long as it’s not unbearable, I usually opt to flame up in anger at myself until it goes away feeling stupid.
   
5. HOMESTUCK. This list is no longer in order of importance, because this is as important as anything. You cannot beat HS in an importance-off. HS is simply the most important there is! Homestuck pretty much fueled all my happiness, sparked my drawing inspiration, introduced me to awesome new music and–well, it did (is still doing) lots of things to me and I love all of it. Oh god I can’t breathe. If you haven’t read it, READ IT. It’s incredibly difficult to get into, and this is something that all fans agree on, but once you’re in, YOU’RE IN. One-way ticket! PCHOOOOOO.EXTRA: 
6. I’m going to sleep now. Yes. Hell yes. HELL FUCKING YES. I cannot say how glad I am to do this. I slept for half an hour in school today already but I really crave sleep right now, despite the coffee.

Okay. You had to listen to/read me rant about myself and my personal life and shit for 900-odd words; I feel sorry for you and I wish I had something less subjective/personal to write about. But the roots of narcissism are deep in me (as they are in most people), and I cannot help but indulge in writing this kind of post once in a while.

Besides, it’s pretty difficult to motivate yourself to write a proper essay-thing when your unfinished homework is mocking you from the inside of your schoolbag.

Oh guck (wha-? Nevermind, guck it is) I am so gucking tired. I am going to get myself some gucking sleep.

Guck guck. Guck. THIS IS STUPID

…

Other people who want to write this–PLEASE DO! Make this like a blog-meme! Yay!

September; School; …sigh.

Okay, am conforming to the trend. After all, it’s September–no better time to rant and bitch about the beginning of school.

Actually, I don’t really think school’s that bad. But I’m a teenager, and teenagers gotta do what they gotta do–complain, that is. I want to start off by complaining that our school year started two days early; 30th August, but I guess I also have to admit that there are other schools who started even earlier–by a week.

But that aside, I don’t really mind going to school that much. The social clusterfucks and the shortass lunch breaks piss me off sometimes (I hardly eat lunch now as a result, plus the lunch sort of sucks), but I find most of my classes genuinely interesting. Wow. What? Classes, interesting? You must be from outer space! …Yes, I find the math interesting, and the English, and the Theory Of Knowledge, and especially Business Studies–something that I had never studied before. Unlike last year, we only have 6 subjects , and I have yet to find any of them exceptionally tedious.

Did I mention that I’m doing the IB? That’s the reason for the 6 subjects. Most people choose to take 3 Standard Level courses and 3 Higher Level ones, but you’re allowed to take 4 HLs.

Oh yeah, and uniforms. I have to admit that my school actually has okay uniforms compared to what I’ve seen. It isn’t the best, but I guess it’ll suffice. It’s a white buttoned shirt, a tie/bow tie that matches with the skirt, dark red checkeredish skirt/dark blue pants, and whatever shoes you can get away with wearing.

To my teachers’ credit and my own surprise, there hasn’t been much homework lately. I’ve been able to stay ahead of the homework, which means that I even have some free time on my hands. Somehow, I can never concentrate well at home–so I usually head for the coffee/donut place right beside my house after school to get the work done. When I’m not procrastinating, wasting time or doing homework, I’m either reading, going on the Internet, writing or drawing. Yes, I finally picked up drawing again. Three months is too long a break from a hobby. Although they sort of suck, I’m crediting it to my atrocious lack of practice, and that excuse can stand for a little while longer I suppose.

Nothing interesting has happened lately (contrary to those of you living your lives in college). Everything’s pretty cool, we have the same people for most of the classes here (mix-n-match within the year group), and all the new teachers are pretty chill. Soon I’ll have to start with my magazine again and also join the yearbook team–not to mention begin the CAS hours community service stuff, so maybe I’ll find something to write about then.

I’m sorry that this post is such a bore. I wanted to write something interesting and witty about the start of school, but I don’t feel as strongly about it as I feel I should and I just can’t think of anything interesting. Nothing’s interesting when you’re in a routine and used to it. I just learned about “stream-of-consciousness” writing lately and maybe this counts as it.

Maybe feeling so laid-backish isn’t such a great thing after all.

Meh.

Jeez, it’s not a crush

So how should I tackle this?

Let me just say, very clearly, that: when I appear to prefer male company–

IT IS NOT A “THING”. IT ISN’T EVEN BECAUSE THEY ARE MALE. NO, I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH.

Why do people always try and nudge me and make crude jokes when I’m friends with dudes? Admittedly, friendships have potential of turning into…other ships, but it’s hardly logical to suspect simply because the friendship exists. In my case, it’s doubly unlikely. Moirails (more HS reference) at best, but that doesn’t count in this human-world. Those of you who bombard me with eyebrow-waggling and shit, I hope you get the message.

Instead, it’s a personality thing. It’s not as if I don’t have any female friends. However, I find that I don’t really mix well with most of the girls in my grade (and beyond). It’s because I’m not as into goofing around all day and slathering makeup and trying to be “pretty” (something I will bitch about another day), and also because I’m pretty much the nerdiest/weirdest person in the class. I would rather discuss social issues, have debates, and analyze people/things than decide which nightclub is best. I want to make sarcastic comments in class and have someone near me appreciate them rather than tune out of everything. I want to discuss whatever topic in class without it being my monologue. And I want to carry a proper conversation where we can explore a topic/issue properly.

I doubt that I would actually turn around and say, “look, he’s just more interesting to me than you are, and he can carry a conversation in a way that you sort of can’t”, because that would make me appear “bitchy”. Even if I was being honest and telling the truth. (Dudes are also, in general, more open to constructive criticism.) This is another thing that I dislike about the majority of girls: they can’t take criticism without resenting it. Even if they agreed with it, they would view the utterer in a less favorable light than they used to. Jeez, if I were like that, then I’d be hating most of my friends.

My point here is that I can decide for myself which people I work best with. If it’s a girl, so be it. If it’s a guy, so be it. If it’s a transexual, so be it. If it’s an animal, so be it. Although possible, I would hardly make friends with someone and hang around them like a loser (wait, not that I hang around my friends like a loser in any way) just because I was infatuated. That would not go down well with my humongous ego.

I don’t want to tell you forthrightly that anyone else is much more interesting and fun to be with than you, and I expect for you to accept the truth that the said person may be of the opposite gender in return. I also expect you to realize that if said person acted in ways that I disliked, I wouldn’t be friends with them either. REGARDLESS OF GENDER.

What I admit is that I do prefer traits in people that more often appear in guys than in girls, but not always. I have met really cool chicks and really uncool dudes, too. So yes, this affects my choice in friends.

I hope this was clear enough. Jeez. I’m sort of ranting.

And if it makes you feel better, two dudes have already accidentally implied that I was a dude myself. I can’t really put my finger on why this feels relevant, because I still need to have dinner. 

Another Beginning, albeit a rather depressing one

Today was Orientation Day, in which we went back to school, hung around for a bit, listened (spaced out) to the headmaster’s speech, and then retreated to our form groups to do basically nothing. Okay, this is the deal: I experienced none of the following emotions: nervousness, excitement, happiness, and nor was I relieved. Of course, there are far more emotions that I did not experience today, but I digress.

I’m wondering if I’m the only one who felt sort of cynical about this. I don’t if cynical is even the right word. So, another school year. So what? Admittedly, I’m looking forward to some of my new teachers and classes (and of course dreading others), but in general I’m pretty “meh” about it. Either it’s because my think pan (Homestuck reference) is completely bursting with Homestuck and therefore has no more space for anything else, or it’s simply because I had a rad time (week?) with my Friend (yes, capital letter F) last week and can’t really deal with the fact that I’m going to be drowning in non-rad times once more. So that means no more hysterical laughter, no more Homestuck shipping debates, etc, etc. And no more 4-a.m. sneaking out of the house.

Yeah, jeez, I hate being on opposite sides of the fucking globe.

The new kids don’t look as if they’re my kind of person. No webcomic-reading, no reading in general, bluh bluh. As a matter of fact, hardly anyone is, really. I guess I’ll just deal with the Homestuck love on my own for now and hope that something awesome happens later.

Whatever it was that I had been expecting, it was not this generally laid-back feeling. I’d imagined that I would be at least a little more excited, a little more upbeat. Instead I snarked at everyone and then took a nap while listening to Homestuck tracks. Because, really, school’s nothing much anymore. I have no idea why I think this, but maybe it’s because of the office job. Or maybe it’s just my ego. Maybe I caught sight of what was at the end of the tunnel and decided that I was unimpressed, and so decided that the journey wasn’t that worth it either.

It doesn’t change the fact that I bought those awesome new notebooks, though. I’m psyched about finally putting them to use.

Starting tomorrow, it’s schooldays. No more Homestuck-reading or whatever. Not even people to talk about it with. No more deciding what I want to do and when, because everything’s planned out already. And I’ll have to deal with the pointless outings that generally leave me even more depressed than I had been before, but go on with my classmates anyway. I have no idea (actually, a pretty good idea) why I’m so pessimistic about this, but all of it’s true. Maybe I’ll stick to hanging around in the library during lunchtimes this year, where I can do what I want.

I wish there were more people in my class that I could genuinely call my friends. “Friends”, by my definition, not theirs. Sadly though there are incredibly few, and we don’t really hang with each other much.

This is probably why people should always have good friends handy. Jeez.

This sounds all so depressing, I’ll just go and read more Homestuck.

I also have a feeling that if anyone at all can go through with reading Homestuck like I tell them to–and find it as enjoyable as I (we) do, I will have found a friend in them.

I doubt anyone will. Perhaps this is just the way of life.

In the end, you’re always alone.

Why did Orientation make me write this. Jeez.

Also, if you’re in my class and feel offended, then don’t be. This is my blog and I’m entitled to writing whatever I want to. I’m sorry if I implied anything. But not really sorry. So sorry for that.

This post-rain, clear-skied, somewhat angsty afternoon

I wish I could say that I was above all that pathetic, emotional, sentimental shit–but I’m not. Time to face the fact that I’m just another hormone-ridden teenager and that I’m not excused from having feelings, even if I’m relatively manly and all that. This isn’t really the time for me to worry if I’m posting TMI and/or too much personal shit, but tell me if I do. Mercilessly. I can imagine how annoying it is for you when I keep posting random crap nobody can relate to, so…yeah.

To give you an idea of how decidedly teenager-y I’m being at the moment, this is the song I’m listening to: Wish You Were Here, by Avril Lavigne. Normally I don’t listen much to her songs, but this is an exception. Uh, it’s probably got to do with the fact that I can sorta maybe occasionally relate to the lyrics a little.

And so I’m sitting here at this kitty-cafe at the moment where all the cats are ignoring me, listening to music playing so loudly in my ears that I can’t even really hear myself think–just the way I like it. Just the way I like to whenever I get sad-ish less awesome. Because everyone has those days, right? The awesome thing about loud music is that it flushes out all the angsty thoughts and fills the space with drums and bass guitars and screaming instead. At this precise moment, it’s keeping me from thinking about how I used to pride myself on hardly ever writing cliched teenager stuff. It’s also trying to keep away thoughts about how I’m doubting that I’ll ever have any success in my love life, but this song is just making it worse. Meh, time will tell. This bout of self-pitying will blow over, and I’ll get over whatever I need to get over, and I’ll be my usual awesome self again.

I know for a fact that neither shit blows over that easily nor do I get over things that quickly (incoherence? sorry it must be the guitars/timpani), so I’m going to help myself here a bit:

MANLINESS FTW! I AM SO AWESOME! HELL YEAH! GUNS! EXPLOSIONS! VODKA! FISTFIGHTS! BEER! BOOBS

So…yeah. Moping and complaining is uncool and decidedly un-awesome.

Examples of what IS awesome instead (Playlist!):

(All the below songs are by Superchick unless stated otherwise.)

• Cross The Line
• Anthem
• One Girl Revolution
• Semi-Charmed Life (Third Eye Blind)
• This Is How A Heart Breaks (Rob Thomas)

Yup. See, I have the (imaginary) balls to get over my teenage angst. I remain awesome.

Me: 1, Teenage angst: NIL.

Social Clusterfnckery…(ies)

So I guess this post has even less potential than my other posts to ever become Freshly Pressed, due to its title.

Imagine this: you have a classmate whom you never really knew them as a person. Then one day, you guys hang out and have a good time. Maybe you become more familiar, occasionally meeting up after school or calling each other. You may or may not stick together during the day.

Then, imagine: that he/she proclaims that you’re one of his/her best friends. You have different friends, hobbies and even values perhaps, but it doesn’t stop them from declaring that you’ll be “BFFs”. You aren’t sure if they’re joking or being serious, and you seriously contemplate your situation before giving your reply. If you acknowledge it, it might come with undesirable side effects. If you outright deny it, you’ll sabotage your relationship with them. In the end, you smile and change the subject.

Yeah, the above situation is pretty much fail, but less than rare. So. Ever tried drawing a Venn Diagram of all the friends and people you encounter on a daily basis? Tried to sort them out by level of friendship? I ended up with such a massive and complicated key that I confused myself in the end, and had to group the people I was dubious about into one big group. Unlike the way most people would, I didn’t call that group “Friends”. I called it “Acquaintances” instead.

I  don’t see the point of calling everyone my “friend”. If I don’t speak to you at least twice a day (where studies or courtesy was not involved; “excuse me” doesn’t count) or make any contact with you online, I group you in default category “strangers”. Facebook doesn’t count, but conversations on Msn Messenger do. I had a lot of trouble explaining to my mom last year when I told her that I “didn’t know” more than half the class. Knowing a person’s name isn’t enough. Being in the same class, grade, or school doesn’t necessarily mean that I know them or even want to be acquainted to them. This doesn’t make me the easiest person to befriend. I’m happy to leave it this way.

Acquaintances to me are people who another might call friends. They could be people you meet randomly at dinner parties. Colleagues. Classmates. Neighbors. Someone you hang out with, eat with, have fun with…whatever. In essence, people who I know too well to be considered strangers are acquaintances, and they stay that way unless they somehow move into the Friend category. Which doesn’t happen at all often.

I can count the people that I consider my friends on one hand. Suffice it to say that I don’t really consider someone a friend unless I’m comfortable in the knowledge that they won’t give my secrets away and maybe even lie to protect them. Uh, and lots of other things, but I don’t really want to elaborate. Maybe it’s all part of my belief that a person can only have so many real, lasting friends, but I’m finding that few people share my views. Most people have a nice conversation with someone and declare themselves friends–something I have qualms doing.

And here I’m going to rant a bit:

1) I do not sympathize with those people who run around screaming betrayal when they’re the ones spreading their secrets all over the place. Maybe it’s a keeps-you-popular thing, but I don’t see why anyone would be stupid to the point of telling multiple people about their deepest, darkest secrets (okay, probably not this dramatic). It’s either that you’re faking the importance of the secret, or that you’re a dimwit. Or maybe both. Always confide your secret to one person and one person only, so that if it leaks, you can trace the culprit. I learned this the hard way.

2) What grates on my nerves too is when people suffer multiple “break-ups” with their many “BFFs”. If you’re Best Friends Forever, you shouldn’t be bitching about/ignoring/trying to strangle each other, unless that’s all part of your friendship (although highly doubtful). And if you religiously stick to fighting each other once every week, it makes others wonder, quite seriously, how much value your “BFF” title holds. And eventually I feel sorry for them, but only a little.

3) And another thing: I don’t understand “temporary secrets”. I’m sick of keeping my mouth shut for people left and right only to discover that they’d spilled the beans a week ago, and that “uh, it doesn’t matter anymore, everyone knows now”. What happened to that “Sh, don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you”? Shrug.

Yeah, I’m not the most socially-savvy or the most compassionate/friendly/warm person. Maybe I’m trying too hard to sort emotional shit out using logical methods; I don’t know. I normally try not to talk about this because it makes people think I’m cold-blooded. Too late.

I’ve probably offended all my acquaintances friends. Oops.

Then again, I appear to have a habit of disliking people upon meeting them as my first reaction–I’ve disliked/hated/insulted most of the people in the past whom I get along with now.

I genuinely think that writing this incoherent word salad is a mistake. A sugar-and-coffee-fueled one, but a mistake nonetheless.