Limbo

I have a feeling that this is going to be a post that I have already written before. 

What is becoming increasingly obvious to me is the fact that I no longer feel comfortable about my abilities (or rather, self-perceived abilities). Before grades were all that important, I got above-average results and got along with most of the people I had to get along with. When grades became important, I aced everything and skipped a grade. And all this time I had my best buddy with me, so social life was not of any concern. When she left, I still got more-than-decent grades in my IGCSEs, but needed friends I could really ‘click’ with. In some ways this is still an issue.

Anyway. I hate writing really personal stuff because it makes me feel all insecure and vulnerable and shit, so yeah. I went into bouts of depression and started thinking a lot about lots of things. I couldn’t really find someone to debate with me, so I started to debate with myself. This is healthy (well the debating and introspection at least), but only to a certain extent. Together with the depression and whatnot I created some sort of cynical, disembodied voice in my head that would offer me a “third person perspective” and lots of discouragement.

Yes I failed to cut the crap, I just write a lot mmkay just deal with it!

So. Remember when I said that I feel like I’m failing at everything? Everything being 1) academics, 2) social comfort.

1. I have the reputation of “best student”, or some shit like that because of my IGCSE grades, and one thing I have to say about the IB is that IT IS ON A WHOLE ‘NOTHER LEVEL. My grades are shitty and average. In comparison to my past achievements, they are a failure. I can just sense the disappointment from my teachers (and it is there, also, from myself). I no longer think that I can write well (why did I ever think that anyway) and for the first time, I’m beginning to wonder if even my best efforts wouldn’t be sufficient (yes weird sentence I know, shush). And that is scary as hell, because the only confidence in myself that I used to have was that if I really, really wanted to do something and managed to put TRUE EFFORT into it, I would succeed no problem. Am rethinking that. 

2. The voice in my head is interfering with my relationships. With anyone, really. Because I unconsciously try to think about all the different ‘sides’ to situations, I also identify how I could appear really out of place or interruptive…which does no good at all to my ego and makes me want to just leave and stay in my room. In some conversations I would just notice that the group of people seemed pretty happy without my input, so why should I stay and possibly intrude? As a result of that I come off as sort of passive-aggressive to friends and family At the same time I am painfully self-conscious of what I do and say. Anything I say that could be / is stupid or incorrect in any way? I jump to point it out and to correct it. The correction isn’t usually much better and usually I just end up in a cringe-worthy cycle.

…Also that may be why I try to explain my thoughts and downplay them and insult my own ideas and all that shit. Just in case I say anything wrong or stupid or biased or ignorant or anything like that. Even on this blog, I do this.

Yeah and now to prove the point, why the hell did I name this Limbo anyway? Is this any kind of limbo? Between two failures, maybe. 

All I can really say for now is that this definitely isn’t one of them good phases of life. I think I made many wrong choices along the way and I’m in a really bad place (mentally too). I see the same problems coming up in different situations and places and it only means that the problem is within me and not a product of the environment! Now all I have to do is change it.

Easier said than done.

Makeup–uh, no thanks

…is something that I don’t do.

I just watched some makeup tutorial videos. Boy was I tempted. It’s just: apply artistic talent to face and create new, improved look painlessly and artificially! 

But I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon. I know what it’s going to lead to. It’s like everything else–perfume, hair dye, nail polish–once you have it, you want it to stay forever. And that’s how the cosmetics industry makes money! I already know that I feel sort of incomplete if I don’t spray myself in the morning… I am so not ready to pour my time and money into makeup! It’s a drug for confidence. If you have confidence, you can feel good with makeup or without, but if you don’t, then you’ll just feel inadequate when you remove the facepaint. That’s how it goes isn’t it? Artificial highs lead to relative lows. 

This is going off-topic, but I know someone who went for plastic surgery. Nothing serious–first the eyes, then the nose. But then the news spread, and now lots of people are becoming unsatisfied with their appearances even with makeup–they’re beginning to whine about how much they want a nose job or whatever else, too. What is it with our society/generation and artificial beauty? If it can be called beauty at all. How could anyone live with the knowledge that their face is not really their face but how other people made it to look? What happened to personality and inner beauty? Away with all that! All that matters is looking attractive in photos. It doesn’t matter that you’re the most boring person to be with in real life. I don’t think I understand the term ‘beauty’ anymore.

So yeah. Coming to an abrupt conclusion, I think I’m just going to stick with how I look like naturally (not that I think I would have the patience to actually learn how to apply makeup, let alone do it every day) for now–especially since I’m pretty fine with it! No sense in trying to set myself up for trauma (financial, emotional, all those). And as you can probably see, my writing skills have very seriously disintegrated over the past few months. I’ve been writing nothing but analytic essays recently. All that I can come up with are thesis statements. 

My arguments in my blogs are officially all over the place. I really have to work on organizing my thoughts and planning out my entries.  

At least I can still (sort of) articulate my feeeeeeeelings? Or not. I don’t know. I blog too much as if I’m talking to myself. 

Actually, I talk like that too. Sometimes. Stream-of-consciousness, sort of.

I need to stop complaining in my blog and start thinking straight. 

OKAY ANYHOO! Comments, thoughts, agreements, disagreements, criticism, whatever. What are your views? 🙂

Headache.

Yeah, this appears to be my blogging pattern–nothing for a long long time, then a couple of days with a post a day. 

Today I signed my life away to the SAT. That is to say, I registered for the exam. For someone who hasn’t done much preparation of any kind at all and who has just over a month to cram, it’s pretty brave. And pretty stupid, too, depending on how you look at it. I also have a completely redundant TOEFL test in two weeks (who told me to register for that, anyway?!), and I have a textbook that I haven’t even opened yet. 

I am a paragon of efficiency and diligence.

And as the title suggests, I have a huge headache. It’s the kind that I usually have, with the base of my head pounding like hell whenever I get up and walk around and ESPECIALLY when I walk up/down stairs. It’s the blood; I can hear it. It’s terrible and really distracting and it also makes me dizzy and nauseous and–well, a headache’s a headache. 

Why am I writing a post about headaches?!

I dunno. Well, I do. I think I just feel a need to express myself somehow, since I’m beginning to doubt friendships and everyone around me all over again just when I thought I had it all down and I really don’t have time for hardcore drawing or piano-playing. So here I am! Projecting my thoughts and feelings via my much-neglected blog.

What I really want to post about is all the IRL shit and all the confusion that I’m experiencing but I can’t, so let me just say that it’s almost a pattern that whenever I get my hopes up or believe in an optimistic view it crashes down on me pretty fast and for no apparent reason, especially when it’s social stuff, and I have problems telling people what I feel when I care about them because of my huge ego, which just leads to me being passive-aggressive and all that which doesn’t help matters at all.

All I want is just a feeling of…safeness, you know? With a person, or a small group of people. There are people whom you know they’ll be there for you and there are people who say that they’ll always be there for you but act otherwise. The fucked-up bit is the fact that you feel safe with both until something happens and the latter sort disappears for no reason and leave you with endless “what-the-fuck”s unanswered. With as limited a social circle as I have, finding the right friends is a task with extra difficulty. And I’m always doubting. Always.

That’s a signal that something’s not right. I thought that there was a person who really would be there for me, as they said/still say they would be, but they just caused me a lot of confusion and really they’re just the reason for whatever I’ll need people to be there for. And when they said so again today I really couldn’t even bring myself to look convinced, even though a part of me still feels safest with them (despite the fact that I feel almost a stranger to them). Maybe it’s just inevitable. Drifting back and forth. It doesn’t really matter what they say or what I wish. I’m not going to be able to say much to them and I doubt they even notice anything.

It’s just that, I’m disappointed. About how things just suddenly changed and we went from being best friends to mere classmates. And also of the fact that the other person doesn’t even seem to notice or care.

*Sorry for all this personal shit I posted here. Some things I just need to get off my chest

Friends. ..?

I think I’ve said this before, much earlier on. But I’ll say this again, and hope that I’m more coherent this time. 

I think a person can’t have much more than five friends. Five real friends, that is, the kind that you can share almost anything with and not worry about them broadcasting it out to the rest of the world (that is, unless you want them to). The kind that would lie to others for you. The kind that you could sit outside in total silence and still feel comfortable with. With these people, you just know that they belong in a special subset within the general ‘friends’. Can you really find more than five people to put in that subset? I don’t think I can.

I know it depends on the type of person you are, and other things like that–not everyone has the same criteria for ‘friend’ after all. But I’m going to hold on to my belief that no matter who you are or what you do, there are always those few people you know you are true friends with.

Then again, maybe you don’t know. Maybe you just haven’t found them yet.

I’m still struggling with my own definitions. Do I count people that used to be one of them but are now fading out? Do I count people that I’m still not completely sure with? Does this have to be a mutual thing? Do ‘wrong’ people accidentally make it onto the list?

Guess not–about the whole mutual thing, at least. This is why I’m going to bust out that phrase and say that “it’s a feeling”, because it really is. Every person’s different. Interactions and friendships differ too, as a result. If I really wanted to define this properly, I would still be writing next year. 

And I guess I just have to accept that people have ups and downs and have a tendency to piss each other off from time to time. But really, I just wish/hope that people would actually realize when they’re in the subset. Because no matter what, even if it’s just thoughts and whatever intangible emotional shit–‘payout>payback’ ALWAYS SUCKS.

In unrelated news:

1. Probably going to pierce my ears this weekend, yay
2. Recently infected by depression. Why is depression catching? I guess it depends on the person
3. I want a red jacket. Am going to buy one tomorrow (hopefully)
4. I’m so happy that I finally posted something again. Lots of stuff has been happening (and lots of shit too) and I often can’t find what I want to say even though there’s actually a lot. Schoolwork is sapping all my energy. And all my motivation. 
5.  . — — – .— — -. …    … ..- -.-. -.- ! (Right that was pointless and random. Sorry)

A person is a person is a person.

AS OPPOSED TO: AN OBJECT/ITEM.

In case you haven’t noticed, I am one fucking hell of a feminist. Not exactly the bra-burning kind, though. If you’re a chauvinistic pig who can’t deal with girls who speak up for themselves, stop reading. And you can shut your misplaced asshole, too. I will delete comments. This is a disclaimer. 

I find it incredibly offensive when people talk about “getting girls”. You don’t “get” girls. You “get” things. Objects. Girls are people. Similarly, I don’t like it when people talk about “getting” guys, but it’s quite obvious that the demeaning phrase is the most commonly used by men. How can a person be something to “get”? Are they sitting on a shelf? Are they an item in a game that you pick up on your way? No. And they’re not supposed to be, either. You can’t make plans to go and “get some girls”, because girls don’t sit there waiting for you to pick them up. You can “get some drinks”–drinks are inanimate objects that exist solely for the purpose being picked up and drunk. Girls are people. People have their own values and opinions and pride, and they deserve to be respected–meaning that they ought to be treated like one. 

As an extension to that, what the fuck is “We get the most girls”? People who say this often mean that they are better, more popular, more respected, more well-known… Okay. So. WHAT THE FUCK ARE GIRLS? COLLECTORS’ ITEMS? TROPHIES? DO YOU FUCKING COLLECT THEM FOR A HOBBY? IF NOT, THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS “WE GET THE MOST GIRLS”? GIRLS, WHO ARE HUMAN BEINGS AND THEREFORE INDIVIDUALS, DO NOT SIT AROUND WAITING TO BE “GOTTEN” OR “PICKED UP”. THEY DO NOT WAIT PATIENTLY FOR SOME DOUCHEBAG TO COLLECT THEM. Is this supposed to be an indicator of social status? The only thing that it indicates is that the utterer is a mega-chauvinistic douchebag.

It also is reminiscent of polygamy. Obviously, it’s nothing to do with marriage at this point, but “getting lots of girls”? “Getting” suggests that you own the object. If you “get” lots of girls, you in fact are implying that you “own” lots of girls–most probably meaning that you are involved with them in some way or the other. So what now? A toned-down, hormone-filled version of polygamy? Morals aside, it also renders the person a man-whore (or whore, if this is the case with a girl). 

This is probably the ugliest and most offensive thing that I’ve heard in a long time. I want to punch the phrase clean out of those who use it. And for those who think that feminists are ‘bitches’, I think that you and I both know the real reason why.

It’s because you dislike having your “male authority” questioned and challenged. Deal with it.

P.S. I saw an ad on television advertising a certain skin product today. It went like this: the lady doesn’t use the skin product, and tries to get in an elevator with this guy inside. The elevator door closes despite her best efforts. And then: the lady goes back and USES the skin product. This time, with slight changes to outfit, she heads for the elevator again–and the same guy is inside! When the door begins to close, he reaches out and stops it, letting her in and even smiling creepily at her. This is the kind of bullshit that we’re being spoon-fed all day. That women are good only for their looks and that to please men with beauty should be their ultimate goal. WHAT UTTER CRAP.

Oh god. I can go on and on and on. So much about this fucked-up society is pissing me off right now. This is probably one of the reasons why I stay well away from television. And yes, I admit that this is a rant, and a very rant-y one at that, but this really drives me to the edge and I can’t keep the shit from flying off the handle any more.

My only hope is that it has been, at the very least, somewhat coherent.

So I offended some more people, like I always do.

WARNING: This is probably going to shatter your illusions of me being a nice, agreeable person. Proceed with caution. I want to make myself clear that I am NOT morally unsound, and that I HARDLY ever do this. But this time I did, and I’m quite positive that I had a reason.

It was about time I met an asshole on the Shanghai Metro. I’ve encountered thieves twice now–both were trying to make off with some book–and I’ve also seen my fair share of beggars and even lunatics. Fate decided that I was tough enough for an asshole encounter.

With few people in the train, my friend took a seat next to this lady (more like, more-than-middle-aged woman) who had lots of empty space on her other side. Naturally, I asked her to move a little so that I could sit with Friend. She didn’t appear to understand, so I repeated it again–and she took it as some insult and declined harshly, saying that I “had atrocious manners and the wrong attitude” (in Chinese of course). By this time the seats were almost filled, but the woman was taking more than needed so I simply sat down on her other side and talked to Friend (in English of course).

Damn, did that woman piss me off. For the record, I’d been asking nicely at first–it was she who had the response speed of an imbecile. And that was why I’d repeated my request in more haste. Other people were going to take that seat if I didn’t soon (for you people living in other countries where people are actually polite to each other, the Shanghai Metro is neither for the faint-hearted nor the terribly nice). Me? Wrong attitude? WHO had a wrong attitude? It was probably the “wrong attitude” thing that set me off, because I can’t stand people saying stuff like that. I decided then and there that she was looking for a fight, and a fight I would give her. As if I lacked experience.

Friend, who was nice and sensitive girl, took out her cell phone and texted me while I complained to her about that woman being a total bitch–declining me the satisfaction of having a loud conversation across the woman and thus annoying her even further. This other friend would probably have done so, because…we’re just obnoxious like that. Anyway, Friend is a morally sound person and nowhere as aggressive, so I don’t blame her. Luckily for me (and embarrassingly for the woman), she had to get off at the next stop, so I smirked at her with eye contact as I made a show of settling comfortably into the seat.

And it got even better. As she stood in front of the doors waiting for them to open, she…uh, admonished me, something along the lines of “you should respect other people, go and study hard (as if I don’t!), learn some respect and manners. Adjust your attitude! Your attitude is wrong–” etc, etc. She talked for about half a minute there while I locked eyes with her with my raised eyebrows and my mocking, indifferent expression. I know exactly what expression it was because I use it so often. When the train stopped, THE DOORS ON THE OTHER SIDE OPENED, and she had to hastily turn away from the wrong set of doors to make her exit. Humiliating much? Ha! So much for the “face” (you know, as in, not lose face?).

I really don’t normally pick fights with people, especially not in public and not with total strangers. But I really was asking nicely at first, and she didn’t move, so I had to explain to her quite clearly what I wanted or lose it entirely. I’m especially reluctant to post this here because 1) I was arguing with a lady who was quite clearly having trouble battling her menopause, and 2) most of you would figure that I was a disrespectful arrogant asshole myself…but I’m not (most of the time). If there was a problem with my attitude, it’d been sparked by her lack of reaction. 

…And my aggressiveness and stubbornness and the fact that I’m really quick to anger and also the fact that when I get angry, I get angry. Win-the-fight-or-die-trying anger, and I guess in this case I won. At the cost of the reputation of my morals, maybe, but still.

Look, just re-read the Warning, okay?

Conversations: How to initiate/terminate them.

Conversation: a blessing. And you never notice how awesome conversation is until it’s absent, and you’re staring at the person in front of you and wondering what to say. Awkwardness ensues! Before you know it, the situation is one big awkward clusterfuck, and you find yourself wishing you’d read a how-to to conversation before you came to this sorry state.

You, my friends, shall hopefully never encounter that situation! This is a list of strange ideas on how to start a conversation–and also, how to terminate one. I did this for laughs, so half of them are just weird–try them at your own risk and just imagine people actually doing as this list says for the entertainment value.

Initiating: a Conversation

1. Talk about the weather, but don’t compliment it when it’s really terrible.
2. If you’re dining, talk about how good/crap the food is. Try not to be too sudden or dramatic or you’ll most like scare the other person (e.g. “OMFGTHISFOODISCRAPOMGWTF”, or ” SQUEEETHISISFUCKINGAWESOMESQUEE”).
3. Comment on the fact that you’re both terrible at making conversation. Bonus points if you challenge the other person to argue against you, thus starting a debate of sorts. Or argument, but whatever.
4. Ask if they’re doing well in school/at work. Try not to sound to belittling.
5. Ask about their health. Funny if done right.
6. Offer a piece of information about yourself and ask them a related question. e.g. “I like soup. Do you like soup?” Hopefully this will lead to a conversation about why you like/dislike soup, etc.
7. Talk about music you like/dislike, and ask them for their opinion.
8. Ask them what books they’ve been reading (or rather, what movies they’ve been watching).
9. Pretend that you’re doing a survey and bombard them with random questions.
10. If alcohol is conveniently within distance, drink up and pretend to be drunk.
11. Actually, just drink alcohol. Conversation will flow.
12. Argue about gay rights.
13. Offer your views on superheroes, e.g. “I am Batman.” Or ask them: “Are you Batman?” If they get weirded out and hurry away, kudos to you.
14. This is probably pretty lame, but if all else fails: offer to let them listen to a new song that you like (on your MP3 or iPod or whatever). This can kill from 2 minutes to 14 minutes, trust me. I have a song 14 minutes long.

Conversation Initiation Fail

• “Do you like porn?”
• “I’ve already talked to you. It’s your turn to talk to me about something.”
• “Don’t you wish you were more interesting?”
• …etc, etc. Leave a comment to add to this too-short list.

Terminating: a Conversation (leaving a situation)

1. “…I’m going to hurl.”
2. Make a reference to the time, i.e. lateness, etc.
3. Fake a stomachache.
4. Doctor’s appointment.
5. Gynecologist’s appointment!–only if you don’t mind the, you know, yeah.
6. Excuse yourself and go to the toilet, and leave when they’re not looking. Alternately: escape via the window–only if on ground floor (or if you have awesome ninja-y skills).
7. Change into a Batman suit and say that it’s urgent business.
8. Pretend you saw your parents, panic, then exit.
9. Pretend you saw your boss, panic, then exit.
10. Say you have to pick up your kids.
11. Make strangled canine sounds under the moon and flee.
12. Fake an allergy. To…uh, idiocy, morons…anything.
13. Pretend you left something important somewhere.
14. Be socially acceptable for once and exit the way any sane person would. 

Conversation Termination Fail

• Actually hurl.
• Start the conversation by commenting about how good the food is, then decide–screw this–and blurt, “I’m going to hurl”.
• Fake a seizure.
• Actually pretend you’re a werewolf. And demand that they co-operate with you, damn it!
• Jump out of a window making like Batman.

___________________________________

Quoth another blogger: “Bad attempts at comedy and commanding attention.”

Yeah, that pretty sums this up. What was I thinking? I was re-living the most awkward moment of my life (yes, it was related to conversational skills, or rather the lack thereof, genius.) and probably got distracted from blogging properly. What am I doing? What’s wrong with me?

Still, I get a kick out of imagining these situations happening in real life.

Shoo, I’m sad and have no life…leave me alone.

At least this commanded some attention (probably).

So. Any awkward moments to share? *hopeful-face*.

Social Clusterfnckery…(ies)

So I guess this post has even less potential than my other posts to ever become Freshly Pressed, due to its title.

Imagine this: you have a classmate whom you never really knew them as a person. Then one day, you guys hang out and have a good time. Maybe you become more familiar, occasionally meeting up after school or calling each other. You may or may not stick together during the day.

Then, imagine: that he/she proclaims that you’re one of his/her best friends. You have different friends, hobbies and even values perhaps, but it doesn’t stop them from declaring that you’ll be “BFFs”. You aren’t sure if they’re joking or being serious, and you seriously contemplate your situation before giving your reply. If you acknowledge it, it might come with undesirable side effects. If you outright deny it, you’ll sabotage your relationship with them. In the end, you smile and change the subject.

Yeah, the above situation is pretty much fail, but less than rare. So. Ever tried drawing a Venn Diagram of all the friends and people you encounter on a daily basis? Tried to sort them out by level of friendship? I ended up with such a massive and complicated key that I confused myself in the end, and had to group the people I was dubious about into one big group. Unlike the way most people would, I didn’t call that group “Friends”. I called it “Acquaintances” instead.

I  don’t see the point of calling everyone my “friend”. If I don’t speak to you at least twice a day (where studies or courtesy was not involved; “excuse me” doesn’t count) or make any contact with you online, I group you in default category “strangers”. Facebook doesn’t count, but conversations on Msn Messenger do. I had a lot of trouble explaining to my mom last year when I told her that I “didn’t know” more than half the class. Knowing a person’s name isn’t enough. Being in the same class, grade, or school doesn’t necessarily mean that I know them or even want to be acquainted to them. This doesn’t make me the easiest person to befriend. I’m happy to leave it this way.

Acquaintances to me are people who another might call friends. They could be people you meet randomly at dinner parties. Colleagues. Classmates. Neighbors. Someone you hang out with, eat with, have fun with…whatever. In essence, people who I know too well to be considered strangers are acquaintances, and they stay that way unless they somehow move into the Friend category. Which doesn’t happen at all often.

I can count the people that I consider my friends on one hand. Suffice it to say that I don’t really consider someone a friend unless I’m comfortable in the knowledge that they won’t give my secrets away and maybe even lie to protect them. Uh, and lots of other things, but I don’t really want to elaborate. Maybe it’s all part of my belief that a person can only have so many real, lasting friends, but I’m finding that few people share my views. Most people have a nice conversation with someone and declare themselves friends–something I have qualms doing.

And here I’m going to rant a bit:

1) I do not sympathize with those people who run around screaming betrayal when they’re the ones spreading their secrets all over the place. Maybe it’s a keeps-you-popular thing, but I don’t see why anyone would be stupid to the point of telling multiple people about their deepest, darkest secrets (okay, probably not this dramatic). It’s either that you’re faking the importance of the secret, or that you’re a dimwit. Or maybe both. Always confide your secret to one person and one person only, so that if it leaks, you can trace the culprit. I learned this the hard way.

2) What grates on my nerves too is when people suffer multiple “break-ups” with their many “BFFs”. If you’re Best Friends Forever, you shouldn’t be bitching about/ignoring/trying to strangle each other, unless that’s all part of your friendship (although highly doubtful). And if you religiously stick to fighting each other once every week, it makes others wonder, quite seriously, how much value your “BFF” title holds. And eventually I feel sorry for them, but only a little.

3) And another thing: I don’t understand “temporary secrets”. I’m sick of keeping my mouth shut for people left and right only to discover that they’d spilled the beans a week ago, and that “uh, it doesn’t matter anymore, everyone knows now”. What happened to that “Sh, don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you”? Shrug.

Yeah, I’m not the most socially-savvy or the most compassionate/friendly/warm person. Maybe I’m trying too hard to sort emotional shit out using logical methods; I don’t know. I normally try not to talk about this because it makes people think I’m cold-blooded. Too late.

I’ve probably offended all my acquaintances friends. Oops.

Then again, I appear to have a habit of disliking people upon meeting them as my first reaction–I’ve disliked/hated/insulted most of the people in the past whom I get along with now.

I genuinely think that writing this incoherent word salad is a mistake. A sugar-and-coffee-fueled one, but a mistake nonetheless.