Limbo

I have a feeling that this is going to be a post that I have already written before. 

What is becoming increasingly obvious to me is the fact that I no longer feel comfortable about my abilities (or rather, self-perceived abilities). Before grades were all that important, I got above-average results and got along with most of the people I had to get along with. When grades became important, I aced everything and skipped a grade. And all this time I had my best buddy with me, so social life was not of any concern. When she left, I still got more-than-decent grades in my IGCSEs, but needed friends I could really ‘click’ with. In some ways this is still an issue.

Anyway. I hate writing really personal stuff because it makes me feel all insecure and vulnerable and shit, so yeah. I went into bouts of depression and started thinking a lot about lots of things. I couldn’t really find someone to debate with me, so I started to debate with myself. This is healthy (well the debating and introspection at least), but only to a certain extent. Together with the depression and whatnot I created some sort of cynical, disembodied voice in my head that would offer me a “third person perspective” and lots of discouragement.

Yes I failed to cut the crap, I just write a lot mmkay just deal with it!

So. Remember when I said that I feel like I’m failing at everything? Everything being 1) academics, 2) social comfort.

1. I have the reputation of “best student”, or some shit like that because of my IGCSE grades, and one thing I have to say about the IB is that IT IS ON A WHOLE ‘NOTHER LEVEL. My grades are shitty and average. In comparison to my past achievements, they are a failure. I can just sense the disappointment from my teachers (and it is there, also, from myself). I no longer think that I can write well (why did I ever think that anyway) and for the first time, I’m beginning to wonder if even my best efforts wouldn’t be sufficient (yes weird sentence I know, shush). And that is scary as hell, because the only confidence in myself that I used to have was that if I really, really wanted to do something and managed to put TRUE EFFORT into it, I would succeed no problem. Am rethinking that. 

2. The voice in my head is interfering with my relationships. With anyone, really. Because I unconsciously try to think about all the different ‘sides’ to situations, I also identify how I could appear really out of place or interruptive…which does no good at all to my ego and makes me want to just leave and stay in my room. In some conversations I would just notice that the group of people seemed pretty happy without my input, so why should I stay and possibly intrude? As a result of that I come off as sort of passive-aggressive to friends and family At the same time I am painfully self-conscious of what I do and say. Anything I say that could be / is stupid or incorrect in any way? I jump to point it out and to correct it. The correction isn’t usually much better and usually I just end up in a cringe-worthy cycle.

…Also that may be why I try to explain my thoughts and downplay them and insult my own ideas and all that shit. Just in case I say anything wrong or stupid or biased or ignorant or anything like that. Even on this blog, I do this.

Yeah and now to prove the point, why the hell did I name this Limbo anyway? Is this any kind of limbo? Between two failures, maybe. 

All I can really say for now is that this definitely isn’t one of them good phases of life. I think I made many wrong choices along the way and I’m in a really bad place (mentally too). I see the same problems coming up in different situations and places and it only means that the problem is within me and not a product of the environment! Now all I have to do is change it.

Easier said than done.

1026-Untitled.

I guess I’m just posting this because I haven’t posted in a while and kind of miss the feeling. I am going to write anot–

I SHOULD STOP POSTING ABOUT HOW I AM PLANNING TO POST SOMETHING

Anyway.

I’m listening to the shiny new album of HS, Vol. 8, and my nails are the color of black cherries for the first time in my entire life. Today is my friend’s birthday but her presents have to wait because I’m a lazy ass and haven’t yet assembled them properly yet, etc.

I watched the movie Imagine Me And You yesterday. It was pretty good but I still am not sure if they’re Lipstick Lesbians or the typical Butch and Femm you see so much nowadays (at least for me). I recommended it to another friend who recommended “I love you, Philip Morris” to me (I haven’t gotten around to it yet and he would probably get on my case if he ever read my blog), and it’s sort of funny that I’m trying to make him watch a lesbian movie while he’s trying to make me watch a gay one.

No, I am not going to talk about sexuality here. It would just be too awkward.

I wish that I could have a holiday. To do whatever the shit I want and not worry about sleep-times or waking up or strifing with parents or alleged attitude issues or procrastination or just…anything.

I also wish that I didn’t suck so much at stuff I do, but that’s really crossing the line.

Seeing as it’s 1:30 a.m. and I haven’t yet touched my homework due to extensive pseudopsychologisting yet another friend (and painting my nails for the 5th time in my life) (and wasting time on the Internet), I’ll just go to sleep in the hope that I will be able to wake up in the morning with enough time to spare for my English homework. I’ll do it over breakfast again, probably.

Also–in Homestuck: EOA Animation. SO AWESOME. SO BREATHTAKING. The plot twists and whatnot, they overwhelm me. The art too, although I wish there was more “movement” in the animation and stuff. I think the music was pretty fitting though, despite being quite modest in terms of epic-ness.

Did that make sense? It better have made sense.

Anyway, since I brought the EOA up anyway–poor Davesprite. Poor, precious feathery asshole. (I got this line from someone’s tumblr but oh gog it just–). No more Jadesprite to accompany him ;-;. I see Davesprite and Jadesprite as a separate couple altogether, so…oh gog. That asshole with just one wing, left all alone now.

…I need a bathtub to contain all the imaginary tears I’m crying now.

Sobered up, and thinking.

It’s at times like these when I’m glad that my family doesn’t know about my blog. Also, if you’re jumping to conclusions already, be assured that I try my damnedest not to blog too much about my personal life lest it bore you to such tiny bits you can’t put yourself together again. So take comfort in the fact that I don’t necessarily seek to bore you any more than you seek to be bored. If you don’t mind reading another incoherent, messy and generally weird blog post that’s been written with half-closed eyes, continue. If you do mind, read some other post.

So here I am, and I’m thinking about what the hell I’m trying to do and how the hell I function the way I do. I’m just an average girl with an extra pinch of aggressiveness, stubbornness and bluntness–not to mention way too much ego. Despite my manliness acts, I’m still a girl, and despite being all-round difficult I guess I still want advice and support. And despite the fact that my hand’s itching to take that previous sentence and press the Backspace button, I’m just going to roll with it, because a girl can lower her defenses and talk some cheesy crap once in a while–honest, cringe-worthy crap that she knows she probably won’t repeat to anyone soon and that she knows she’ll regret ever posting. Being human and having all those un-awesome emotions and thoughts suck. (I should just focus on being awesome instead.)

Easier said than done, I guess. Admittedly, I allow myself the wild flight of fantasy once in a while and imagine that I’m another of those expressive girls who like to put their emotions where other people can see them. The kind of girl who cries when she’s even remotely sad and demands attention when she wants it. The problem with me though is that I never get sad–just different degrees of pissed off–and take pride in being no drama queen. No, it’s not a problem with me. In fact, I’m goddamn proud of it. I have the guts to genuinely mean it when I say that haters can fuck off, and I’m pretty good at controlling the waterworks, i.e. meaning that they seldom come on, if at all.

I’m looking at a girl who punches walls when she gets pissed off but won’t throw a soft toy across the room, and I’m thinking why she does the things that she does and why she acts the way she acts. And I’m wondering if she’s tired, if she will be in the near future, and what she’d do when the inevitable happened. I’m looking at someone who would leave a task to the last minute and then complete it with awesome efficiency, lots of yelling, far too much swearing and barging/knocking things around…just for the adrenaline rush.

All this thinking and wondering is just part of being human, I guess, and I feel like kicking myself when I realize that I have more feelings than I would like to have and when I realize that I’m just pretending not to care when I’m really sorta sensitive. I wish I could use pure logic and coax myself away from this big emotion clusterfuck, but I can’t. Even now, part of me is saying that I’m making too big a deal out of all this and that humans are just naturally goddamn lame and sensitive like that, but I don’t care and this is something I want to write and rant about.

Other things that I wish I could do but know better to genuinely wish that due to logic/common sense: 1) To be able to deal with things as if I had my tear ducts completely removed (as opposed to only partially), 2) To be able to control my emotions completely and not waste time thinking about love interests, and 3) To accept others’ critique of my work without disappointment, especially because of the fact that I asked for it in the first place.

So far, I see a girl who has far less confidence than she’s letting on. Who, despite being negative and pessimistic, still harbors a secret longing for a happy ending. I think I see a girl who’s simply growing up and trying to find answers along the way. …And something about the way she’s traveling that road makes me think that she’s not going to give up searching until she finds them satisfactory.

I haven’t managed to answer all these questions of my own–yet. But the first step is to recognize what I see and the second is to voice my questions, and that’s what I’ve done (I hope).

Bah! So much for the mushy, non-manly shit. Wish me luck, and–well, the future awaits.