Mindflail

Okay, so I was going to post about how I’m inevitably turning into a boring person who thinks of nothing but the SAT and the IB and colleges all day (hyperbole, y’all better appreciate it), but I found something much more worth of my words.

WHAT IS IT? IT IS THE NEW HOMESTUCK ALBUM, FOR YOU AWESOME-AS-FUCK HOMESTUCKERS OUT THERE

Even the album art is awesome.

“One Year Older” by Erik “Jit” Scheele. It is on my list of Best Albums now. I love every single song. These songs, they are making me happy and sad and happy and sad and happy and sad depending on the song and ALL THE FEELS, ALL OF THE FEELS. Also the fact that this is heavily piano-based! The piano is just such a melodic and emotional instrument (yeah, no duh). Alright, I will admit, I am biased. I play the piano. 

OHOHOHO this means that I will get the chance to attempt each and every song without sounding like a hopeless failure. 

Such. An. Auditory. Orgasm. 

Anyway, on a more depressing note, I will continue to research Personal Statement help tips to waste time and procrastinate while still remaining on-topic. And also do SAT practice. Because my future sort of depends on it. And also WRITE my Personal Statement. Do you know what is worse than writing a Personal Statement? SCRAPPING THE PREVIOUS PERSONAL STATEMENT THAT YOU ALREADY FINISHED BECAUSE YOU FOUND A MUCH BETTER TOPIC (or in my case, my <strikethrough>bestfriend</strikethrough> butler found it). OH THE PAIN. 

Let me attempt to overcome my inherent laziness once again. 

Rate this:

Well.

This is the summary that I wish I had written. For those of you who still haven’t read Homestuck, this should do the trick. Or maybe not. Hmm.

GeekGirl Magazine

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man’s birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

With these words, three years ago today, Andrew Hussie launched Homestuck. Fans of his previous comic, Problem Sleuth, expected its wacky humour and adventure-game parody style to continue. But the story of four kids and a game that changes the world quickly ballooned into something much more; it widened its scope to incorporate epic fantasy, romance, horror and other genres. Today, Homestuck is one of the biggest webcomics of all time, with nearly 5000 pages uploaded in just three years. It has a readership of over 1 million, and a vocal fandom that’s almost cult-like in its devotion.

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Look at me, I’m so thankful

Haha, actually no, I’m not very thankful at all. I’m your average cynical teenaged asshole with a bad attitude who just happens to have read another blogger’s post about things they’re thankful for. And decided to do the same/something similar! Don’t expect sentimentality or moving declarations, because you won’t get them.

I have decided to leave Family out of this, because that doesn’t really count as you pretty much HAVE to include that as #1, regardless of your feelings towards them. They’re like, #0, okay? Like, the first item of the list by default. This way nobody can call me an ungrateful  brat. OKAY SO. FAMILY ASIDE,

(I’ll do the coherence check later, meaning tomorrow. Expect awkward sentences in this post and general WTF.)

1. The few people I consider my real friends. I suck at expressing myself sometimes, especially when it comes to gratitude/sorrow/guilt/whateversentimentalshit, but yeah I guess you guys are okay. …See what I mean? Right. All things considered, I guess I’m pretty damned lucky to know/have known you people. I can’t imagine life withou– I MEAN, BEING SURROUNDED BY DICKWADS THE ENTIRE TIME INSTEAD OF MOST OF THE TIME WOULD SUCK– …Right. Yeah, I hope you know who you are, because I’m not going to tell you so. In my head there are the “friends” and the “friends“, and I really believe that a person can only have a small handful of real friend-friends, so if you’re doubting your position then just assume that the answer is no to be safe.
   
2. Me. The way I turned out. Read: asshole, stubborn, pessimistic, sort of nerdy, independent, egotistical and all that shit. This is not something people would normally be proud of, I guess, but as my dad noted one day while we were having a bad-tempered stubborn-off: “at least you won’t get shitted on too much in the future with your temper”. Which might not be entirely true, because there are always bigger assholes in society who manage to out-asshole/out-shit you, but I doubt I’d be the weakest weakling of the batch, at least temper-wise.
   And now it’s going to come back to my parents, but oh boy am I glad that they didn’t let me watch TV when I was young (I was too scared anyway, still sort of am). They let me read and draw instead and they taught me to play the piano. Also, I’m glad they sent me to Montessori, which allegedly induces (bluh bad word choice I know) independence. The last thing I want to be right now is a groupie. Wait, that should explain my lack of team spirit? This has negative effects too, I know (e.g. no team spirit, ungrateful, egotistical), but I don’t mind them.
   
3. I’m not blind. Yet? *Touch wood. Never let go.* I have terrible eyesight. Without glasses, I can’t discern ANYTHING on the strange lopsided “E”s chart. I used to wear glasses that were not as strong as they were supposed to be (whenever I did, my eyesight just worsened to match the glasses, presumably in some kind of ratio), and it caused me lots of…embarrassment? Lack of self-confidence? I couldn’t see who was walking my way in corridors so sometimes I accidentally ignored friendly people who were saying hi. Other times, I just squinted at them. Not nice either way. BUT–at least I can still see. I’m almost as good as blind without my glasses though, which explains why I’m going to go as a blind person on Halloween. No pretense needed–just a cane and sunglasses. Voila.
   
4. I don’t get sick easily. *Begin walking around with bits of tree stuck to me, permanently* When I do, I don’t really need to seek medical help either. This gives me dangerous confidence, but okay whatever. When I was on my DoE trip to Vietnam, I had two fevers–one on the first day (shivering, with jacket, in the early morning of the Vietnamese summer) and another on the last–and I didn’t realize the first until much later. Anyway, I got over my second (worse) one by basically berating the shit out of myself. Mentally. As long as it’s not unbearable, I usually opt to flame up in anger at myself until it goes away feeling stupid.
   
5. HOMESTUCK. This list is no longer in order of importance, because this is as important as anything. You cannot beat HS in an importance-off. HS is simply the most important there is! Homestuck pretty much fueled all my happiness, sparked my drawing inspiration, introduced me to awesome new music and–well, it did (is still doing) lots of things to me and I love all of it. Oh god I can’t breathe. If you haven’t read it, READ IT. It’s incredibly difficult to get into, and this is something that all fans agree on, but once you’re in, YOU’RE IN. One-way ticket! PCHOOOOOO.EXTRA: 
6. I’m going to sleep now. Yes. Hell yes. HELL FUCKING YES. I cannot say how glad I am to do this. I slept for half an hour in school today already but I really crave sleep right now, despite the coffee.

Okay. You had to listen to/read me rant about myself and my personal life and shit for 900-odd words; I feel sorry for you and I wish I had something less subjective/personal to write about. But the roots of narcissism are deep in me (as they are in most people), and I cannot help but indulge in writing this kind of post once in a while.

Besides, it’s pretty difficult to motivate yourself to write a proper essay-thing when your unfinished homework is mocking you from the inside of your schoolbag.

Oh guck (wha-? Nevermind, guck it is) I am so gucking tired. I am going to get myself some gucking sleep.

Guck guck. Guck. THIS IS STUPID

…

Other people who want to write this–PLEASE DO! Make this like a blog-meme! Yay!

1026-Untitled.

I guess I’m just posting this because I haven’t posted in a while and kind of miss the feeling. I am going to write anot–

I SHOULD STOP POSTING ABOUT HOW I AM PLANNING TO POST SOMETHING

Anyway.

I’m listening to the shiny new album of HS, Vol. 8, and my nails are the color of black cherries for the first time in my entire life. Today is my friend’s birthday but her presents have to wait because I’m a lazy ass and haven’t yet assembled them properly yet, etc.

I watched the movie Imagine Me And You yesterday. It was pretty good but I still am not sure if they’re Lipstick Lesbians or the typical Butch and Femm you see so much nowadays (at least for me). I recommended it to another friend who recommended “I love you, Philip Morris” to me (I haven’t gotten around to it yet and he would probably get on my case if he ever read my blog), and it’s sort of funny that I’m trying to make him watch a lesbian movie while he’s trying to make me watch a gay one.

No, I am not going to talk about sexuality here. It would just be too awkward.

I wish that I could have a holiday. To do whatever the shit I want and not worry about sleep-times or waking up or strifing with parents or alleged attitude issues or procrastination or just…anything.

I also wish that I didn’t suck so much at stuff I do, but that’s really crossing the line.

Seeing as it’s 1:30 a.m. and I haven’t yet touched my homework due to extensive pseudopsychologisting yet another friend (and painting my nails for the 5th time in my life) (and wasting time on the Internet), I’ll just go to sleep in the hope that I will be able to wake up in the morning with enough time to spare for my English homework. I’ll do it over breakfast again, probably.

Also–in Homestuck: EOA Animation. SO AWESOME. SO BREATHTAKING. The plot twists and whatnot, they overwhelm me. The art too, although I wish there was more “movement” in the animation and stuff. I think the music was pretty fitting though, despite being quite modest in terms of epic-ness.

Did that make sense? It better have made sense.

Anyway, since I brought the EOA up anyway–poor Davesprite. Poor, precious feathery asshole. (I got this line from someone’s tumblr but oh gog it just–). No more Jadesprite to accompany him ;-;. I see Davesprite and Jadesprite as a separate couple altogether, so…oh gog. That asshole with just one wing, left all alone now.

…I need a bathtub to contain all the imaginary tears I’m crying now.

Blart Post #2

Are you ready for the shitty-ass drawings, people?–because you sure have it coming. 

So, yeah. They are pretty much in descending order of shittiness, or at least they should be because it looks that way to me. As you’ve probably figured out by now, I try to get around art block by drawing shitty graffiti. Some of which are self-explanatory. Most of these are Homestuck references, so if you get them, awesome, but if you don’t then just roll with it (and read the gogdamn comic). Constructive criticism is welcome. Destructive criticism is not.

^Aforementioned self-explanatory shitty graffiti

^Homestuck reference. Also art block, hence the “take a break”.

^The Troll Romance Quadrants that I did for fun because I felt like drawing the symbols, and also funny sprites (or whatever the hell they’re called).

^So there’s this girl who’s always in the Library during lunchtime, like me, and we just sit there eating our self-brought lunches and saying nothing. But the room’s quite small (cut off from main library), so it’s sort of awkward-ish, and I somehow ended up drawing her even though I had no idea until I finished it. Eh.

^Teachers, do not leave your students in the care of substitute teachers who don’t give any fucks. This is what happens. “Jenna” is a classmate of mine. The “STRONG” is HS reference. This was done because of a particularly powerful poke in the ribs she issued to an unfortunate recipient.

^HS: Jade Harley (ish). Also, Young Girl Talking About Herself–Parry Gripp. The song is so short, but it is catchy nonetheless. And I love it.

^What I do, apart from muse, at 2 in the morning. Just…yeah^The one that I like the most. Firstly because this is probably my second successful attempt at drawing sitting-down people, EVER, and secondly because it’s also one of my first successful attempts at drawing people who face the right. And I have never, ever before drawn two people facing each other before.  Not to mention that I hardly draw guys…so yeah. Am happy with this.

Am still working on poses and perspectives and stuff like that. Am also getting tired due to the fact that it’s near midnight (which I shouldn’t be, seeing as this is usually considered ‘early’ by Aim Time).

Once again, constructive criticism welcome. And I know that I have lots of room for improvements.

2 a.m. Musings

a.k.a. “wwhat is this I don’t evven–“

It’s exactly 2 a.m. in the morning. I just took a cold shower, for no reason other than to not wake my parents up. If they were to wake up, I would be in deep shit. Even deeper shit than I already am in. I’ve already had like three dizzy spells or whatever the hell you call ’em tonight (morning) and my pancreas tells me that it’s probably bad news. My toenail agrees.

Really, I am going to write a post. I am going to report my findings and whatnot and teaching stuff in the migrant school. That sentence made no sense. I choose to ignore that. Anyway, I sort of regret telling you guys this. You’ll take one look and decide that it’s not interesting enough and ignore my next post. Well, uh, don’t?

For now I’m going to be Such A Teenager and moan and whine about my shitty life as of now. Actually it’s not that shitty and I’m actually happier than I was last year, sort of, in a peaceful and content way I guess, but I DIGRESS SO GODDAMN MUCH I DON’T EVEN–. SO ANYWAY about the moaning and the shittiness: I have like 2 more homeworks that are Math and Science respectively, and they are the worst subjects to attempt in the middle of the goddamn morning. Jeez. I sort of blame myself, because it’s sort of my fault I didn’t start on them earlier, but I have a ton of extra shit that’s on my hands too: the school magazine final editing, an article for our Languages Department, the flagraising MC translation, and also a poster for some Halloween party.

What did I do? Oh right, do the extra shit and leave the homework. Admittedly the extra shit is sort of more pressing, but still. This actually reminds me of another post I want to write, but aah. I digress. Again.

I also want to learn to cross-stitch. I saw these pictures of these awesome Homestuck blankets and pillowcases, crocheted by this girl, and IT IS LOVE. It’s on Deviantart and the artist is RozeUKun, I think. I can’t crochet, never tried, so I’m going to start small and try and stitch something. My last attempt at stitching ended up chucked somewhere and forgotten, but this time it is going to be Different. If it goes well, I might try crocheting. I want a scarf. And a laptop cozy. Or even just a towel, bluh. Handicraft/work has never been my strength (cannot even do origami), but WE SHALL SEE.

As you can see, my tone gets really informal in the early mornings. Partly because the screen is sort of bright and I’m spacing out a bit while I type.

Okay, so about the homework…yeah. I’ve kept it waiting for long enough. ;_;  (ugh stupid looking emoticon)

Yeah. Those of you suffering from similar things, feel free to moan here too.

This is a Blart Post

“What? No post and instead shitty drawings? Are you crazy?”

Yes, I’ve gone completely off the handle. What handle? I know of no such handle. Actually, my days are now just homework, homestuck and Internet and…lots of things, actually, such as drawing, reading, and piano. I will write something less shitty later, I think. The thing is, with all this shit happening (IT KEEPS ON HAPPENING <-HS reference), I have almost no time for this blog.

Uh, and that I spend wayyy too much time doing other shit. Like wasting time.

OKAY! Anyway, these are HS reference drawings, meaning that I “copied” them. Apart from the large lineart that is in a slightly more realistic style (the one with All The Luck) and the Trollstuck me (jazz hands) and the Normal!Vriska (I used my SCRIBBLEMODE as reference), that is. You people have no idea what lengths I went to to get all this done. Key words: Sleep, the lack of, Homework, the ignoring of, 2 a.m.

Yup. The BLUH BLUH HUGE 8ITCH. No reference.

SCRIBBLEMODE! Vriska

Rose Lalonde's mom. So awesome.

Angry Feferi. >< Squee.

Vriska, NORMALMODE I guess

Me. Trollstuck. HAHAHA.

This is all in lieu of a proper blog post. Consider this…a blart post? Hehe.

“I’m going home.” …But where?

The definition of “home”: The place where one lives permanently, esp. as a member of a family or household.

But that’s not it, is it? The definition no longer applies, I don’t think, to people who move a lot (e.g. to other countries, or to other houses, etc). “Permanent” would then be relative. And I’m not sure what I’m getting at, so this may turn out to be a jumble of stream-of-con. words typed out to simply help myself think. 

And it can’t be that easy. If it were, a problem solved by a mere definition, what would that make the saying “home is where the heart is”? That would be the connotation of “home” to most. Then again, you can’t know for sure where your heart is. How would you then be able to distinguish the places you like and the places you would want to call home? And does liking a place mean that you could call it home? Must it be a specific area or building or can it be a country?

I have a feeling that I’m just messing my own head up, but I can’t put my finger on where and how.

Sorting through the huge convoluted mess that makes up my head right now, I suppose I’m just trying to find a place that I myself would call my “home”. I want to know what kind of criteria I have and which places satisfy them.

Y’know, I don’t really understand the urge to “go home” that people often speak of and I doubt that I ever did. There have seldom been times when I genuinely wanted to go back home–out of boredom, out of the lack of something to do, out of tiredness, out of…whatever. I can’t even remember any. I’ve always been one to want to get OUT of the house, not necessarily to have fun, but mostly just to bring my work/stuff somewhere else where I can concentrate. Even the wi-fi isn’t enough to anchor me at home now, not with all those cafes nearby. (And maybe that’s the problem–I can’t concentrate at home. I’m productive only when I’m outside.) So I guess that my current reside isn’t really the place I should be thinking of.

But if it was just somewhere I liked to be, it would be Dunkin Donuts. But would I call it home? Fuck no.

Now, suddenly leaping back to the saying “home is where the heart is”–assuming that it’s a country that it’s referring to, I pleasantly find myself face-to-face with yet another clusterfuck. After all this moving and whatnot, I somehow can’t find myself being inclined to any country at all. In fact, the only country that I might feel inclined to go and live in is one that I have never previously lived at. Or visited above the age of six. 

The answer eludes me. Perhaps there isn’t an answer. Maybe it’s another of those “if your given name is only something to identify you with and is completely irrelevant to you as an individual, what is your real name and how would you be able to discover it” things. If that’s the case, I’ll just go and perform a Headdesk x2 combo. Calmly and serenely.

I think I just wrote a jumble of random words that, somehow, happens to quite nicely convey how confused I am about this at the moment. 

If I had to narrow my choices down and give them rankings, No.1 would probably be my childhood home in Singapore, because that’s where I grew up and where most of my (happy) childhood memories lie. Second to that would be another reside in Shanghai, one that I moved out of two years ago. But I disagree with these, sort of, because I wouldn’t want to go back to that home in Singapore to live permanently–I think of it as…as where the memories lie? They’re more home to those memories than to me. And although there had been awesome moments in the other, they’re a bit clipped and really, it’s only those bits that I hold on to. Mixed feelings on this one here.

For now, I’ll be content to think that home is where one feels…”at home”. Comfortable. Relaxed. A place that both satisfies the definition of the word and also one’s own criteria. That place would, as of now, and for me, be my room. It’s a huge mess, but I like the mess because it shows life. Most of the time I can’t concentrate on my studies here either, partly because of the mess, but I’m comfortable to say in the least and quite happy with the fact that 1) my stereo, 2) my tablet, 3) my bed are all in here.

This is quite a lame anticlimactic conclusion, I know, especially after all that pointless going in circles and whatnot. But as I had previously warned, this is something of a stream-of-con. post, and I’m just trying to put my thoughts to…paper blog (?) in the hope that they come out as coherently as I’d hoped they would.

I guess they failed me.

If there’s anything you people would like to say, though, please be my guest. I’m going to try and make more sense out of this string of thought later, when I’m not so tired, so any suggestions will be very welcome.

(Also, I might have been paying too much attention to the awesome Homestuck music…)

Longest post so far, I think. 

Another Beginning, albeit a rather depressing one

Today was Orientation Day, in which we went back to school, hung around for a bit, listened (spaced out) to the headmaster’s speech, and then retreated to our form groups to do basically nothing. Okay, this is the deal: I experienced none of the following emotions: nervousness, excitement, happiness, and nor was I relieved. Of course, there are far more emotions that I did not experience today, but I digress.

I’m wondering if I’m the only one who felt sort of cynical about this. I don’t if cynical is even the right word. So, another school year. So what? Admittedly, I’m looking forward to some of my new teachers and classes (and of course dreading others), but in general I’m pretty “meh” about it. Either it’s because my think pan (Homestuck reference) is completely bursting with Homestuck and therefore has no more space for anything else, or it’s simply because I had a rad time (week?) with my Friend (yes, capital letter F) last week and can’t really deal with the fact that I’m going to be drowning in non-rad times once more. So that means no more hysterical laughter, no more Homestuck shipping debates, etc, etc. And no more 4-a.m. sneaking out of the house.

Yeah, jeez, I hate being on opposite sides of the fucking globe.

The new kids don’t look as if they’re my kind of person. No webcomic-reading, no reading in general, bluh bluh. As a matter of fact, hardly anyone is, really. I guess I’ll just deal with the Homestuck love on my own for now and hope that something awesome happens later.

Whatever it was that I had been expecting, it was not this generally laid-back feeling. I’d imagined that I would be at least a little more excited, a little more upbeat. Instead I snarked at everyone and then took a nap while listening to Homestuck tracks. Because, really, school’s nothing much anymore. I have no idea why I think this, but maybe it’s because of the office job. Or maybe it’s just my ego. Maybe I caught sight of what was at the end of the tunnel and decided that I was unimpressed, and so decided that the journey wasn’t that worth it either.

It doesn’t change the fact that I bought those awesome new notebooks, though. I’m psyched about finally putting them to use.

Starting tomorrow, it’s schooldays. No more Homestuck-reading or whatever. Not even people to talk about it with. No more deciding what I want to do and when, because everything’s planned out already. And I’ll have to deal with the pointless outings that generally leave me even more depressed than I had been before, but go on with my classmates anyway. I have no idea (actually, a pretty good idea) why I’m so pessimistic about this, but all of it’s true. Maybe I’ll stick to hanging around in the library during lunchtimes this year, where I can do what I want.

I wish there were more people in my class that I could genuinely call my friends. “Friends”, by my definition, not theirs. Sadly though there are incredibly few, and we don’t really hang with each other much.

This is probably why people should always have good friends handy. Jeez.

This sounds all so depressing, I’ll just go and read more Homestuck.

I also have a feeling that if anyone at all can go through with reading Homestuck like I tell them to–and find it as enjoyable as I (we) do, I will have found a friend in them.

I doubt anyone will. Perhaps this is just the way of life.

In the end, you’re always alone.

Why did Orientation make me write this. Jeez.

Also, if you’re in my class and feel offended, then don’t be. This is my blog and I’m entitled to writing whatever I want to. I’m sorry if I implied anything. But not really sorry. So sorry for that.

Word Salad.

BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME, yo.

I never thought I’d say this about the Shanghainese weather, which is typically warm and humid and generally terrible, but it’s been awesome lately. It actually is cooler outside than it is inside–a feat I had previously imagined impossible. Last summer pretty much rendered Shanghai this huge cooker, with the sun beating down on us every single day and also not to mention no cool breeze. Uh, you get the point. Last year = lameass fiery weather, and This year = nice cool breezy weather. And yes, it deserves this paragraph. I walk out of my apartment every day and literally smile because it’s so awesome. See? Low expectations, high levels of satisfaction. Anyway, am hoping that it will last. IT HAS TO.

That aside, I’m preparing for the upcoming school year (IB) by buying a shitload of awesome notebooks and other stationery I don’t even need. Shush, it’s like, my “thing”. Stationery-buying should be a viable pastime. I’ll give away what I don’t need later if I have to, but god knows that I’ll probably keep them in a drawer somewhere and forget. While other people collect clothes and the like, I collect stationery. And mugs and bags, but–

Another cause for celebration (actually, pretty much the only one) is the fact that the editor of the magazine I volunteered to write for emailed me back after a two-month break. It’s a magazine (English, of course) that gives information and advice about international schools in Shanghai, so I suppose it takes summer breaks, too. I have my first writing assignment–to write about my plans/goal for the upcoming school year and how I’m going to go through with them, which means that I’ll have to brainstorm and then bullshit it (sorry if you’re reading this…please, don’t be reading this). According to Harry Frankfurt, bullshit is something that is completely disregards the truth but may not necessarily be false…so that would be it. To be honest, though, I sort of look forward to the whole job. Bullshitting is simply part of it. 

I just realized that I’ve been really unproductive lately. I haven’t been blogging properly, haven’t been playing much piano, haven’t been doing much SAT, haven’t been–yes. But that’s the entire point of the summer holidays, so I might as well enjoy this preposterous time-wasting while I have the luxury to. Bluh.

…And there’s this sort-of-cute dude in this donut shop near my house who may or may not know my name but uh greets me upon meeting so I guess that’s a good thing and this is a disgusting run-on sentence so I shall terminate it immediately.

I envy you folks who are in college, yo. And y’all who actually manage to post coherently.

Unlike, well, me.